Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Need you to "weigh" in...(terrible pun, I know)

I'm learning to be brave.  I've had to close offices and layoff hundreds of people.  I've had to fire someone for stalking/inappropriate behavior/porn addictions (and worse).  I've had 2 major surgeries and 2 ER visits in the last 4 months.  I live alone, with the kind of cat that would not only allow a burglar to enter and take all my stuff, but would probably trip the police on their way in to rescue me.  I've sung karaoke.  Hell, I've even eaten trans-fats.

So I'm pretty brave, right?

Thing is, I don't feel brave.  When I've had to do the hard stuff, it's because I've HAD to, not from any sense of bravery.  That's why I chose the weight loss surgery--weight loss is hard, and unless I was forced to eat more healthy (and a whole lot less food in general), I didn't think I could do it.

So today, I'm thinking of things that scare me.  Here's my list:
  1. Dating.  By this I mean going and putting up an online profile at Match.com or doing e-harmony.  This is the scariest thing I can think of, which means I either am not living my life right or I am very pathetic.
  2. Working out.  Actually going to a place of fitness and doing physical things.  Right now all I can do is walk, but come June 21st my physical restrictions are lifted and I'm supposed to start lifting weights and doing things.  What if I wear the wrong shoes, people?
  3. Riding a bike.  When I was little, I loved my bike.  Now, all I can think of is how I must look with both butt cheeks hanging off the seat, and the time I chipped my front tooth because I lost my balance and fell off the bike.  Doesn't sound scary, but without the cap I have a "Dumb and Dumber"-style chip out of my front tooth.  And yes, I lost that cap while on an actual date once (refer back to fear #1)
  4. Trying out for choir.  Yea, I sing.  But I don't like doing it in front of actual people, let alone having to audition.
  5. Clothes shopping.  Maybe I'll like it when I'm thin enough that clothes fit and look good.
  6. Going to the Geneen Roth conference in Seattle in October.  She is the author of "When Food is Love" and "Women, Food, and God" and it would be a great experience.  My parents live not too far away and I could get away for a long weekend with free room and board.  But it scares me to do this and not know anyone and confront my food issues so directly.

Here's where you weigh in.  Comment on this post telling me what it is that scares you, and what on my list of scary things you think I should try first.  I hope someday that my hand will be forced and I'll have to do each and every one of those things, but today I feel like throwing caution to the wind and letting you decide where I start.  Unless you make a bad decision, that is.

Feel free to weigh in whether or not you are a regular reader.  The more, the merrier.  I'll give you until this weekend...


  1. Well, you KNOW I'm a regular reader. I can't stay away!!! haha.

    What scares me? I'll take 2,3,4 and 5 lol. Most of all my fear is that my son will miss out because being so fat, I don't like to go out and do things...

    I really don't know which one you should do first... You MOST DEFINITLY should go to the conference in October! FOR SURE DO THAT.

    But that's in October... so in the meantime, I guess my pick is... riding your bike. Don't worry about what it looks like. It looks like someone working hard, and the people looking will see the difference as time goes on anyway!!!

    My advise about dating would be wait. They say love comes when you stop looking. Instead of putting your profile online, wait and see if you meet some one first. The more comfortable you are, hopefully the more you will go out and you could run into Mr. Right! If you end up joining a gym or something in June, he could be there!
    I think you should just put yourself first for now... and see what happens.

  2. Girlie, you've lost a hundred pounds so go clothes shopping! That will be a blast! You don't have to buy out the stores but pick out a few summer things that make you feel good. It's not that bad!
    What scares me? Running. I can't get past the stuff in my head that tells me to stop. Arrghghg. It drives me nuts.
    I love your blog and will come back often. You are dang funny!

  3. I say go to the gym. (I, too, worry about looking "wrong" I think everyone does.)

    Let me tell you a story: I used to go to a gym at one of the hospitals in Raleigh, NC when we lived there. There was a woman there who (I believe, I only saw her there all the time, didn't know her personally) had gone through weight loss surgery. When I first encountered her, she was quite large, but I saw there there on average 3x/week for months. Over time, not that I was consciously keeping an eye on her, mind you, I saw how dramatically she reshaped her body. I was always so impressed with her, and she really was part of what kept me going - telling myself that if she was there doing the work, I had no excuse either. I always wanted to find some way to compliment her on al the great success she (seemed to me) to be having, but since I didn't know her, I didn't want to freak her out or make her feel like I'd been monitoring her, so I never said anything. I wanted to respect her privacy, but man, she deserved a high five or something, I just didn't feel like I could approach her.

    My point in all this rambling is that going to the gym can, indeed, expose a person to shallow, catty people, but most of the people there are there to work on themselves and, in their own silent way, are pulling for the other "regulars" they see around them.

  4. #1. My son will be killed in Afghanistan. I think about this every day. I am scared to death.
    #2. I will gain back all of the weight I have lost. I think about this every day.
    #3. I will fail at work and be fired for that.
    #4. I will gain back all of the weight.
    #5-10 I will gain back all of the weight.

  5. Wow, you guys are all awesome!

    Tina, you have a good point. I just couldn't decide if I was hesitating on trying to date because it petrifies me or if because it wasn't a good idea yet. I think you are right.

    Teresa, thanks for the compliment...come back whenever you'd like. I've always loved your posts over at BE, so I appreciate you writing.

    Nanci: Thanks for that story. I never thought about the gym like that, but I know I'm inspired by people I see working hard. I just never thought about being one of them!

    Winner: I'm sorry about the worry you must go through on your son. It's that feeling of powerlessness that sometimes gets us. Thank you for sharing your worries. It's hard to do, and scary to put yourself out there, but when you do you realize that you are not alone. And you aren't.

  6. Alright, I TOTALLY lost out on this post. The weird thing is that I thought that I remembered writing something. Which means that I clicked on your page, started to write something completely earth shattering and then had to close it down for some reason.

    As for #1, I don't really agree with Tina. I think the idea that "love finds you" is a load of poop. Love DOESN'T just find you. Because we're no longer in the days where we have to go to barn raising or sock hops or whatever the hell people used to do before the internet. Now, I do believe that if you're not ready to date, something gets released in the air (like a love fart) where guys run. They run far far away. Or the ones that come closer are CA-RAZY. When you're ready to date, you'll know. And then? Go out and try everything you want to try. I'm not a person who went to bars or clubs. And the hobbies that I had were either mostly solitary or involved a lot of women. I met some great guys via the internet and met Joe at a speed dating event (which I actually think is the way to go, but I can babble about that later if you're interested).

    I read something interesting in Geneen Roth's book "Breaking Free of Compulsive Eating" where she talks about buying clothes that make you feel good NOW. It's a way to honor and love yourself now versus waiting for the day where you can wear anything and it'll still look good. I had to take some of her advice (I bought undies that fit now) and it's a nice way to show myself love.

    Biking is a great idea. I did it at 280 pounds and felt like a dork. But what was great about it is that while it's great exercise, you can also coast when you need to too. I highly recommend it.

    And lastly? I'm thinking about going to one of her conferences too. I think it'd be really helpful for me to learn. Not sure about Seattle in October (I'd have to check dates, etc) but I think it could be good for me too.

    Sorry for the long comment. Maybe I should've put it in an email. :(