Folks, it's been a long time. I've been avoiding again, and drifting into Babe-land. I've had a lot of emotional stuff coming up, and I've been trying to find ways of dealing by distraction. Sometimes it's overeating, or unconscious eating, sometimes it's just staying too active to think. Only one of those is actually productive to becoming the person I want to be, but they are all distracting me from the real stuff going on.
Here's the thing. I have what I like to refer to as "The Business." When I mention this phrase, it comes complete with a gesture where I indicate the area I'm referring to with what roughly looks like I'm rubbing a budda belly. Only the gesture covers from the top of my belly to the top of my thighs--the area where The Business is taking up unwanted residence.
See, many people with massive weight loss develop what's called a "pannus" after surgery, which is a hanging belly consisting of hanging skin and (frequently) a stubbon fat pad. I'm lucky in that I have only a little of that going on. It's irritating, but not the end of the world. The main issue I have is that same phenomenon happening in the pubic area. It's embarrassing, disturbing, restrictive, and humiliating. Hence the more innocuous and inarticulate term, "The Business."
Despite the weight loss I find my movement is very restricted by it. I can't really cross my legs, or keep my legs together very well. I don't wear pants that fit because I'm too worried it will look like I'm smuggling a fighting chihuahua in the crotch. I'm stumped on how to "spot reduce"--there are no machines at the gym that really target that area, you know?
So I consulted with a plastic surgeon. I didn't know if there was anything that could be done to solve this issue for right now, with the expectation that somewhere down the road I'll be addressing a tummy tuck and skin removal, maybe take care of the extra skin under the arm, and put my boobular area back to where nature intended. For all of that, I want to be much closer to my goal. But this issue just cannot wait.
At the surgeon's, I found out it's a combination of a fat pad that is very stubborn and resistant to weight loss, and the loosening of the skin after massive weight loss. And yea, nothing but surgery can fix it.
So at the end of the month I, The Babe, am going in for liposuction.
That is really hard to say. I tell people it's the first step in the surgery to remove skin and such, which it technically is. But to tell people I'm having lipo sounds like I'm some vain rich lady who is trying to get rid of her last 10 "vanity" pounds without giving up her expensive wine habit or (gasp!) sweating. It makes me feel like I'm being ridiculous; like I should be content with having just lost 155-160 pounds and not worry about how I look. Like I'm self-centered and awful. And on top of that, it is a big chunk of money that I don't really have, but that my parents are willing to spend, and so I feel like a huge spoiled brat who is taking advantage of their hard work and savings.
But it's also that I've worked really hard to lose weight, and I deserve to wear a pair of pants that fit in something other than black. It's that this is a problem that cannot be fixed by eating less and exercising more. And that I am the luckiest person in the world to have parents who worked hard all their lives so that they could afford to do things for their kids that will change their lives for the better.
So this is a very emotional decision for me, mixed with happiness, excitement, guilt, worry, vanity, and everything else you can think of. And what fat people do when they are overwhelmed with emotion is eat.
So my best solution, both for my health and my weight loss, is to come to terms with the emotions this stirs up, get into the reality of the situation, and allow my eating to fall back into the pattern of 80-90% protein, some fruits and veggies, very few other carbs, eating small portions, and eating consciously. I've given myself a full 2 weeks for the freak-out, and now it's time to touch base and get back to the New Normal of caring for my body and my self.
Wish me luck...