Like a bad rash...

I'm noticing that my old habits have been popping up.  I'm a typical ADD-type who needs focus and attention to get anything done otherwise I'll just float around aimlessly, falling back into the familiar and the comfortable.

Up until now I've stayed focused on what can I eat, how do I cook it, how much should I chew, what vitamins should I take, when my next appointment is, etc.  But it's been 8 weeks, and I'm getting aimless and bored.  This is hard.  I have to think and pre-plan everything, and planning is not really in my nature.  It's getting old and it's making me crabby, frustrated, and really tired.  I'm getting more and more tempted to just let it go, stop working so hard, and fall into my default program of overeating and hiding out on my couch. 

For the last week, I've noticed I've been losing my focus, but I didn't know how far it had gone until I was eating way too much granola last night (idle hands, you know) and I threw up.  That got my attention. 


I HATE throwing up.  It is the worst.  I would rather feel really crappy for the whole day than throw up and feel instantly better.  (Hey, it's what kept me from being a serious drinker in college!).  But I guess that's what I needed to happen to point out to me that I can't get distracted or complacent.  Even if I'm angry and resentful and want nothing more than the food equivalent of crawling under the covers. 

In the past I've always given in and lost my focus.  Each time, I'd gain back all the weight and hate myself for it.  That's why I knew that surgery was my last option, because if I gave up or lost focus this time my body would grab my attention and get me on track.  You know, by puking.

So this weekend I'm going to forgive myself for slipping.  And remind myself that I chose this, knowing that it would require work, focus, and yes (gasp!) lots of planning.  And tomorrow, I'm going to wake up, plan out my day with my food and my activity, and then get to it.