WARNING: This post is not as HI-larious as most of them. Sorry about that for those of you reading for my humor--I'll try again later today or tomorrow.
I'm just having a down sort of day, mostly because I'm mad at myself. Since having my weightloss surgery, I've been a very brave soldier. I've had 2 operations, 3 ER visits, a couple of "procedures," and major dental work. I've started working out diligently--I bought a bathing suit and go swimming, I can stay on the elliptical for almost 20 minutes (after a 10 minute warmup), I lift weights, and I'm doing one-on-one pilates. I never thought I would do any of those things, and should be proud of myself for doing them.
Instead, I've been focusing lately on what I can't do. I have lost about 130 lbs., yet I still can't shop in a "normal" size clothing store. I still can't go too much farther than 30 minutes of cardio. I feel as though I still am trying to gain back the muscle I've lost. I have a hard time with eating at night, and I don't always get in enough protein.
And this morning, I was supposed to go to a new bellydancing class I got at a great deal from Groupon. I chickened out and didn't go. I'm not sure why, but I just couldn't. I know that this is super-stupid, and that it isn't a big deal to go and shake my still-big belly that has 10 (or 12--I've lost count) little stabby scars (I'm still going to tell people I got into a knife fight). I know that belly dancers, real ones, have bellies, and they don't care, and they still look beautiful even with rolls and pudge. But I somehow can't get myself into that picture. And I'm really mad at myself for letting my fear and body-shame stop me from something that could have been so much fun.
That's what I used to do. I let my self-consciousness stop me from doing wonderful, fun and adventurous things. I told myself that after surgery I wasn't going to let fear or self-consciousness stop me from doing new things--things I might (or might not) like. But here I am, sitting at my computer instead of shaking my stuff. Right now, I totally suck.
I did make myself go put on my (adorable) swimsuit, and promised myself that I would not take it off until I'd gone to the gym and done some swimming. Oh, and then get back into the ladies locker room before taking it off--they frown upon skinny dipping at public pools. I gave myself a deadline of going by noon, so I'm signing off and heading out (it's 12:05, so I'm pushing it).
What do you do when the only person you can be mad at is yourself?