Sunday, September 12, 2010

Disappointment in myself

WARNING:  This post is not as HI-larious as most of them.  Sorry about that for those of you reading for my humor--I'll try again later today or tomorrow.

I'm just having a down sort of day, mostly because I'm mad at myself.  Since having my weightloss surgery, I've been a very brave soldier.  I've had 2 operations, 3 ER visits, a couple of "procedures," and major dental work.  I've started working out diligently--I bought a bathing suit and go swimming, I can stay on the elliptical for almost 20 minutes (after a 10 minute warmup), I lift weights, and I'm doing one-on-one pilates.  I never thought I would do any of those things, and should be proud of myself for doing them.

Instead, I've been focusing lately on what I can't do.  I have lost about 130 lbs., yet I still can't shop in a "normal" size clothing store.  I still can't go too much farther than 30 minutes of cardio.  I feel as though I still am trying to gain back the muscle I've lost.  I have a hard time with eating at night, and I don't always get in enough protein.

And this morning, I was supposed to go to a new bellydancing class I got at a great deal from Groupon.  I chickened out and didn't go.  I'm not sure why, but I just couldn't.  I know that this is super-stupid, and that it isn't a big deal to go and shake my still-big belly that has 10 (or 12--I've lost count) little stabby scars (I'm still going to tell people I got into a knife fight).  I know that belly dancers, real ones, have bellies, and they don't care, and they still look beautiful even with rolls and pudge.  But I somehow can't get myself into that picture.  And I'm really mad at myself for letting my fear and body-shame stop me from something that could have been so much fun.

That's what I used to do.  I let my self-consciousness stop me from doing wonderful, fun and adventurous things.  I told myself that after surgery I wasn't going to let fear or self-consciousness stop me from doing new things--things I might (or might not) like.  But here I am, sitting at my computer instead of shaking my stuff.  Right now, I totally suck.

I did make myself go put on my (adorable) swimsuit, and promised myself that I would not take it off until I'd gone to the gym and done some swimming.  Oh, and then get back into the ladies locker room before taking it off--they frown upon skinny dipping at public pools.  I gave myself a deadline of going by noon, so I'm signing off and heading out (it's 12:05, so I'm pushing it).

What do you do when the only person you can be mad at is yourself?


  1. Get up and get moving. Think of what you can do. Could you dream of doing what you are now when you were 130 lbs heavier? I seriously doubt it. No reason for pity, plenty of reason to celebrate!!!!

    "What do you do when the only person you can be mad at is yourself?"

    That's exactly the way it's supposed to be. It doesn't do any good to get mad at other people, and you can't change them anyway, at least not with anger.

    However, you can change yourself, so go ahead and get mad at ourself, and then make the right changes.

  3. Thank you to Winner and to Rene's stuff I needed to hear this afternoon.

    And I really like Rene's "you can't change others...however you can change yourself." Wonderful words of wisdom that are easy to forget...

  4. I think that the answer to your question is, you FEEL the madness.

    Because (for me) I've stuffed my feelings of shame, self-loathing, and frustration until I wasn't even aware of them. That led to WAY more than 130 pounds overweight.

    But then, once you're mad and did something about it, forgive yourself!

    I havne't read your most recent post yet - I read the first line and was all "OH there must be more to the story - I'll read that first." :)