Today is my "surgiversary." Two years ago, at this very time, I was still under anesthesia. I was sick, I was tired, I had given my life up to the point I never went out, and I lived to eat.
Flash forward to today. I'm about 160 lbs. lighter (I gained about 7 pounds over the holiday, and have lost 2 of those back, so it's a give or take number). I can go down stairs (and up without even breathing hard). I can get to my car without so much pain in my back that I collapse on the seat with relief. I don't live to eat, although I do still have my moments where food becomes way more important than it should (I chalk it up to an obsessive personality--unfortunately they didn't operate on that).
I have to remember how far I have come, because it's very easy to get caught in the trap of feeling like a failure because I haven't lost "enough." Enough to get out of the obese category, according to those *&^% BMI charts. Enough to relieve the pressure on my abdomen (I still have all the lovely visceral fat right on my midsection) to be able to have the skin surgery and tummy tuck. Enough to feel almost normal.
I've been caught in that trap of "not enough" for a few months now, and (not surprisingly) I've gained a few pounds. It's so easy to revert to old comforts when you aren't feeling good about yourself. Although my stomach is a lot smaller, the surgery does shoot your metabolism all to hell and so there is a point where you will hit a plateau, and I've been there for at least 6 months. I've let it discourage me to the point where I got derailed from what I really want (to lose enough to have the surgery to take care of "the business"). I let myself sneak in too much carbs and sugar over the holidays, eat more food (and less frequently), and I got off track. Whenever that happens, it's easy to spiral into the: I'mnotgoodenoughandI'mnevergoingtolosetherestoftheweightandthereforeI'mafailureateverythingIdoandImightaswelleatcookies.
I can't possibly be the only one who goes there. It's like having a headache and instead of taking Tylenol, you imagine that you MUST have a brain tumor, throw your hands up in the air, and mope around complaining about the pain.
So there are two things I want to reflect on today.
One, is that I'm not a failure. I've accomplished so much more than I even dared hope for on the morning I went in for surgery and came out with a new chance for life. Gaining 7 pounds is not moving towards my goal, but it's also not the end of the world. It really is an opportunity to see what drives my eating, and to learn from it so it doesn't repeat itself over and over until I gain all of it back. This is hard to remember, and it's why I had to put it in black and white.
Two, is that it is a chance to remember what it is I want, and to accept the actions I need to take to get there. It's easy when you're a little down to forget that there are a lot of things you DO have control of. I have control of what I eat. I can control my portion size. I can decide to go to the gym instead of heading out to a restaurant where it's harder to stick to the plan. It is my decision, and I don't need to let my weight or size derail me into thinking this battle is already lost. After all, every veteran of this surgery I know of says the real work starts when you hit your one-year mark, and the war truly resumes when you hit the two-year mark.
So here it is. I've done great. I can continue to do great. I am not controlled by my situation, but I use it to my advantage. I can get "back to basics" and know that even if I don't lose any more weight that I'm doing the most respectful thing for myself. Happy surgiversary to me...
Showing posts with label reality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reality. Show all posts
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I impulse-bought a chicken...
...Let me explain.
I was at the Wal-mart with Goldilocks the other day, waiting in the purgatory of the longest checkout lines in town, when I saw a beacon of light--the checkstand rotisserie chicken carosel. I am not making this up. You know how at the grocery store at 4:00 they put all of the fresh bread, smelling of deliciousness and your future shame of eating half of it before getting home? At this Wal-mart they do the same thing, ONLY WITH CHICKEN. Genius. I nearly bought two out of crazed delight before I remembered it would take me a week to eat just one chicken and the second would go bad before I could enjoy it.
And it got me thinking how things have changed since my gastric bypass 20.5 months ago (I'm counting the time like mothers do their children. As an aside, when do they stop counting in months? I actually heard a friend of mine say her boy was 36 months.) Sorry for the tangent. Anyhoo, it's one of those clearly illuminating moments of how things have changed. I think Oprah calls them Aha! moments, but I'm afraid to use that term in case I have her goons sent after me. That's right. The Oprah goons. I'm pretty sure they're real.
2 years ago, I would have impulse-bought a king size Snickers, maybe some gum, or the aforementioned French Bread Loaf of Shame. Chicken? That isn't fried? Forget it.
So much has changed that it's hard to realize when exactly that happened. Don't get me wrong--old habits WILL creep back in: night eating, carbs, overeating, taking a piece of candy from a co-worker's jar. I promise you, if you are still within your 1st year of surgery and thinking that it won't happen to you, that these things will happen. I had people tell me, and I didn't believe them either. But your own food demons will pop back up in an ugly way. The key is to focus on the changes you've made and to stay positive that you have made enough of a change in your first year of surgery that you have the tools to beat them back into submission.
So today, I'm focusing on my new impulse purchase. The Snickers didn't snicker at me or anything. I instinctively and without much thought went for something that really feeds my body, and not something that feeds those food demons. I beat them back...for today...
I was at the Wal-mart with Goldilocks the other day, waiting in the purgatory of the longest checkout lines in town, when I saw a beacon of light--the checkstand rotisserie chicken carosel. I am not making this up. You know how at the grocery store at 4:00 they put all of the fresh bread, smelling of deliciousness and your future shame of eating half of it before getting home? At this Wal-mart they do the same thing, ONLY WITH CHICKEN. Genius. I nearly bought two out of crazed delight before I remembered it would take me a week to eat just one chicken and the second would go bad before I could enjoy it.
And it got me thinking how things have changed since my gastric bypass 20.5 months ago (I'm counting the time like mothers do their children. As an aside, when do they stop counting in months? I actually heard a friend of mine say her boy was 36 months.) Sorry for the tangent. Anyhoo, it's one of those clearly illuminating moments of how things have changed. I think Oprah calls them Aha! moments, but I'm afraid to use that term in case I have her goons sent after me. That's right. The Oprah goons. I'm pretty sure they're real.
2 years ago, I would have impulse-bought a king size Snickers, maybe some gum, or the aforementioned French Bread Loaf of Shame. Chicken? That isn't fried? Forget it.
So much has changed that it's hard to realize when exactly that happened. Don't get me wrong--old habits WILL creep back in: night eating, carbs, overeating, taking a piece of candy from a co-worker's jar. I promise you, if you are still within your 1st year of surgery and thinking that it won't happen to you, that these things will happen. I had people tell me, and I didn't believe them either. But your own food demons will pop back up in an ugly way. The key is to focus on the changes you've made and to stay positive that you have made enough of a change in your first year of surgery that you have the tools to beat them back into submission.
So today, I'm focusing on my new impulse purchase. The Snickers didn't snicker at me or anything. I instinctively and without much thought went for something that really feeds my body, and not something that feeds those food demons. I beat them back...for today...
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Bariatric surgery stream of consciousness
I didn't really know what to write about, but I keep having people tell me it's been too long since I've updated. So I'm going with a stream of consciousness thing. Let's try the "Good news, Bad news" thing.
Bad News (let's get it out of the way)
Bad News (let's get it out of the way)
- I've been off-program. REALLY off-program. I haven't been working out, and I've been grazing in the evenings instead of eating my meal and then stopping (this, by the way, is the surest way to failure after surgery). I couldn't figure out what had changed until clumps of hair started falling out again. Ta-DA! My thyroid is extremely low (for me), which translates to weight gain and extreme tiredness (which then translates to skipping the gym and eating continually to keep your energy level up). Now that we know what's going on and have adjusted my thyroid dose, I've started working out again, feeling better, and slowed down the grazing. But I still have work to do on the eating thing.
- My weight is not changing. The doctor took out about 12lbs of fat, and I weigh the same now as before surgery. Some of it is still swelling, I'm sure, but I also think my thyroid hiccup and the resulting changes is a big part of that.
- My cravings have come back. The doctor told me this would happen eventually. I hate it when other people are more right than me. I do know that if I can kick the carbs completely for about a week that the cravings will subside (although not disappear completely). But it truly is a miserable thing to do. Think about all the movies you've seen about people going cold-turkey off drugs. That's what it feels like to quit carbs--it ain't fun. But you do feel better afterwards, and you find that you don't have the same cravings, or that they are more manageable.
- Pilates (with a one-on-one trainer) has been an absolute god-send for me. Not the mat-based pilates that you see at the gym or on workout videos. That crap is HARD. But the real thing, on the real machines (that look like torture devices), with a real instructor guiding you along so you don't hurt yourself. See, when you do it on your own, with just a mat, you have to use your body weight for resistance. On the machines, they take away some of that resistance so you can still do the same moves, but more easily (and less likely to hurt yourself). I find I look taller and leaner, and I love the concentration it requires. It's helped me rehab my knee and get my muscle tone back in my legs. It's helped my feet and ankles, which has re-trained the way I walk. If you can afford it, I highly recommend it.
- I am still enormously lucky. I have a supportive family who loves me, and who is willing to help me along every step of this process. A big part of that is the financial assistance, which I don't know if I'd have been able to get the quality surgery that I had. My insurance company, that starts with a K and means a German General, had approved me for surgery with a waiting list of 1 year. They also were not designated a Center for Bariatric Excellence at the time (although they are now), and that was a big deal to me. So I was able to go the self-pay route with the best doctor in the area because of the help from my family. They also helped cover my other bills when I was off-work (with no salary) during recovery, and who is helping me with the surgical "business." And, to boot, they are loving and supportive, and just generally good people with good humor. Yes. I am seriously the luckiest person I know, and I don't take it for granted.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Upcoming surgery...
Folks, it's been a long time. I've been avoiding again, and drifting into Babe-land. I've had a lot of emotional stuff coming up, and I've been trying to find ways of dealing by distraction. Sometimes it's overeating, or unconscious eating, sometimes it's just staying too active to think. Only one of those is actually productive to becoming the person I want to be, but they are all distracting me from the real stuff going on.
Here's the thing. I have what I like to refer to as "The Business." When I mention this phrase, it comes complete with a gesture where I indicate the area I'm referring to with what roughly looks like I'm rubbing a budda belly. Only the gesture covers from the top of my belly to the top of my thighs--the area where The Business is taking up unwanted residence.
See, many people with massive weight loss develop what's called a "pannus" after surgery, which is a hanging belly consisting of hanging skin and (frequently) a stubbon fat pad. I'm lucky in that I have only a little of that going on. It's irritating, but not the end of the world. The main issue I have is that same phenomenon happening in the pubic area. It's embarrassing, disturbing, restrictive, and humiliating. Hence the more innocuous and inarticulate term, "The Business."
Despite the weight loss I find my movement is very restricted by it. I can't really cross my legs, or keep my legs together very well. I don't wear pants that fit because I'm too worried it will look like I'm smuggling a fighting chihuahua in the crotch. I'm stumped on how to "spot reduce"--there are no machines at the gym that really target that area, you know?
So I consulted with a plastic surgeon. I didn't know if there was anything that could be done to solve this issue for right now, with the expectation that somewhere down the road I'll be addressing a tummy tuck and skin removal, maybe take care of the extra skin under the arm, and put my boobular area back to where nature intended. For all of that, I want to be much closer to my goal. But this issue just cannot wait.
At the surgeon's, I found out it's a combination of a fat pad that is very stubborn and resistant to weight loss, and the loosening of the skin after massive weight loss. And yea, nothing but surgery can fix it.
So at the end of the month I, The Babe, am going in for liposuction.
That is really hard to say. I tell people it's the first step in the surgery to remove skin and such, which it technically is. But to tell people I'm having lipo sounds like I'm some vain rich lady who is trying to get rid of her last 10 "vanity" pounds without giving up her expensive wine habit or (gasp!) sweating. It makes me feel like I'm being ridiculous; like I should be content with having just lost 155-160 pounds and not worry about how I look. Like I'm self-centered and awful. And on top of that, it is a big chunk of money that I don't really have, but that my parents are willing to spend, and so I feel like a huge spoiled brat who is taking advantage of their hard work and savings.
But it's also that I've worked really hard to lose weight, and I deserve to wear a pair of pants that fit in something other than black. It's that this is a problem that cannot be fixed by eating less and exercising more. And that I am the luckiest person in the world to have parents who worked hard all their lives so that they could afford to do things for their kids that will change their lives for the better.
So this is a very emotional decision for me, mixed with happiness, excitement, guilt, worry, vanity, and everything else you can think of. And what fat people do when they are overwhelmed with emotion is eat.
So my best solution, both for my health and my weight loss, is to come to terms with the emotions this stirs up, get into the reality of the situation, and allow my eating to fall back into the pattern of 80-90% protein, some fruits and veggies, very few other carbs, eating small portions, and eating consciously. I've given myself a full 2 weeks for the freak-out, and now it's time to touch base and get back to the New Normal of caring for my body and my self.
Wish me luck...
Here's the thing. I have what I like to refer to as "The Business." When I mention this phrase, it comes complete with a gesture where I indicate the area I'm referring to with what roughly looks like I'm rubbing a budda belly. Only the gesture covers from the top of my belly to the top of my thighs--the area where The Business is taking up unwanted residence.
See, many people with massive weight loss develop what's called a "pannus" after surgery, which is a hanging belly consisting of hanging skin and (frequently) a stubbon fat pad. I'm lucky in that I have only a little of that going on. It's irritating, but not the end of the world. The main issue I have is that same phenomenon happening in the pubic area. It's embarrassing, disturbing, restrictive, and humiliating. Hence the more innocuous and inarticulate term, "The Business."
Despite the weight loss I find my movement is very restricted by it. I can't really cross my legs, or keep my legs together very well. I don't wear pants that fit because I'm too worried it will look like I'm smuggling a fighting chihuahua in the crotch. I'm stumped on how to "spot reduce"--there are no machines at the gym that really target that area, you know?
So I consulted with a plastic surgeon. I didn't know if there was anything that could be done to solve this issue for right now, with the expectation that somewhere down the road I'll be addressing a tummy tuck and skin removal, maybe take care of the extra skin under the arm, and put my boobular area back to where nature intended. For all of that, I want to be much closer to my goal. But this issue just cannot wait.
At the surgeon's, I found out it's a combination of a fat pad that is very stubborn and resistant to weight loss, and the loosening of the skin after massive weight loss. And yea, nothing but surgery can fix it.
So at the end of the month I, The Babe, am going in for liposuction.
That is really hard to say. I tell people it's the first step in the surgery to remove skin and such, which it technically is. But to tell people I'm having lipo sounds like I'm some vain rich lady who is trying to get rid of her last 10 "vanity" pounds without giving up her expensive wine habit or (gasp!) sweating. It makes me feel like I'm being ridiculous; like I should be content with having just lost 155-160 pounds and not worry about how I look. Like I'm self-centered and awful. And on top of that, it is a big chunk of money that I don't really have, but that my parents are willing to spend, and so I feel like a huge spoiled brat who is taking advantage of their hard work and savings.
But it's also that I've worked really hard to lose weight, and I deserve to wear a pair of pants that fit in something other than black. It's that this is a problem that cannot be fixed by eating less and exercising more. And that I am the luckiest person in the world to have parents who worked hard all their lives so that they could afford to do things for their kids that will change their lives for the better.
So this is a very emotional decision for me, mixed with happiness, excitement, guilt, worry, vanity, and everything else you can think of. And what fat people do when they are overwhelmed with emotion is eat.
So my best solution, both for my health and my weight loss, is to come to terms with the emotions this stirs up, get into the reality of the situation, and allow my eating to fall back into the pattern of 80-90% protein, some fruits and veggies, very few other carbs, eating small portions, and eating consciously. I've given myself a full 2 weeks for the freak-out, and now it's time to touch base and get back to the New Normal of caring for my body and my self.
Wish me luck...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Blah blah blah...
Well, it's a blah day. In fact, it's been a blah week. Guess what overweight people do when they feel blah? Yeah. And I've really been struggling. My surgery has not ended up as restrictive as I'd hoped for. I knew before surgery that I needed a really tight leash to rein myself in. If I didn't, I wouldn't have needed the surgery. Frankly, if I could throw on a choke collar right now I would.
Don't get me wrong, I am restricted, but it isn't enough. I can eat around it (in that I don't dump, and I don't throw up), and I don't want to do that. About 80-85% percent of the time I follow the rules and do what I'm supposed to, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am now, 155 pounds lighter. But 15-20% I take the leeway, and it goes from being "wiggle room" (which my doctor says should be 5-10%) to a big problem.
So I need to ask myself some questions:
1. What's bothering me? Why am I turning to the food?
2. Why am I sabotaging my own success? Am I content with where I am now? Am I afraid to get smaller?
3. Is this a clinical depression, or am I just struggling like normal people do? (Full disclosure: I stopped taking anti-depressants after surgery with my doctor's approval. I do not play when it comes to this stuff.)
4. Is it hormonal? If so, should I change my birth control to see if it helps or should I just be prepared for this every 4 weeks?
5. Is it that I haven't been working out as much? I know that working out really does improve my mood, so if that's the issue I just need to refocus my time and energy.
If you have half a brain (and I know you do), you probably came to the same conclusion I did after reading this. I need to journal EVERYTHING--food, mood, and exercise--so I can get to the bottom of what is going on.
Have I mentioned here before how much I hate that? If not, let me explain. I hate it with a purple passion. I hate it like "Sarah Palin in 2012." I hate it like being stuck in a cave with canned green beans as my only option for survival. I hate it like I hate having to tell 300+ people that they no longer have a job...you probably get the picture.
Unfortunately, I think it's really my only option if I'm going to figure this out and be successful in the long run. It's time to put on my big girl panties and get my journal on. Please feel free to send me any hints, tips, or suggestions on how do make this less painful...
Don't get me wrong, I am restricted, but it isn't enough. I can eat around it (in that I don't dump, and I don't throw up), and I don't want to do that. About 80-85% percent of the time I follow the rules and do what I'm supposed to, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am now, 155 pounds lighter. But 15-20% I take the leeway, and it goes from being "wiggle room" (which my doctor says should be 5-10%) to a big problem.
So I need to ask myself some questions:
1. What's bothering me? Why am I turning to the food?
2. Why am I sabotaging my own success? Am I content with where I am now? Am I afraid to get smaller?
3. Is this a clinical depression, or am I just struggling like normal people do? (Full disclosure: I stopped taking anti-depressants after surgery with my doctor's approval. I do not play when it comes to this stuff.)
4. Is it hormonal? If so, should I change my birth control to see if it helps or should I just be prepared for this every 4 weeks?
5. Is it that I haven't been working out as much? I know that working out really does improve my mood, so if that's the issue I just need to refocus my time and energy.
If you have half a brain (and I know you do), you probably came to the same conclusion I did after reading this. I need to journal EVERYTHING--food, mood, and exercise--so I can get to the bottom of what is going on.
Have I mentioned here before how much I hate that? If not, let me explain. I hate it with a purple passion. I hate it like "Sarah Palin in 2012." I hate it like being stuck in a cave with canned green beans as my only option for survival. I hate it like I hate having to tell 300+ people that they no longer have a job...you probably get the picture.
Unfortunately, I think it's really my only option if I'm going to figure this out and be successful in the long run. It's time to put on my big girl panties and get my journal on. Please feel free to send me any hints, tips, or suggestions on how do make this less painful...
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Gastric Bypass "surgiversary" is almost here.
Yup. This Friday will be one year since I had the Roux-en-Y gastric bypass at Rose Medical Center with Dr. Michael Snyder.
It's an exciting date, but one filled with mixed emotions. Excitement, anxiety, happiness, sadness--you name it, I've got it.
My goal was to reach the 100's mark (known in the bariatric community as "one-derland") by the one-year mark. According to my Wii Fit scale, I'm in the right area, fluctuating between 198 and 202. According to my other scale I haven't, saying I'm fluctuating between 202 and 206. My other scale can suck my big toe. Either way, I think I'm in the right place, even if it's not quite exact.
The hitch in my giddyup to congratulate myself, however, is all because I made the mistake of reading an article that stated bariatric patients will have lost 80% of their excess weight within the first year. According to my doctor, I was about 200 lbs in excess of my ideal weight. 80% of that (hey, math!) is 160 lbs. 160. Not the 150-and-change that I've lost. It shouldn't be such a big deal right? I'm close, right?
Here's the thing. I started out as a rock-star, losing almost 100 pounds in the first 4-5 months after surgery. I was a weight-losing wunderkind. Then things started to slow down, considerably. It's taken me 7-8 months to lose the next 50 pounds, so I'm no longer at rock-star status. To go from rock-star to not-even-quite average is hitting me hard.
I guess the light at the end of the obsession tunnel is that it is a good reality check for me. I've started to recognize that I've let myself wander off the path of what I'm supposed to be doing far too often. I eat sugar occasionally. I let myself have carbs. I choose the protein bar that tastes better (which for protein bars meas that they taste less ass-like) instead of the protein bar with the least carbs/sugar and highest protein. I often justify it with "I want to have a life and not let the weight loss prevent me from having things I love." Which is good when it's once a week because it keeps me balanced and lets me enjoy life. More than once a week, though, and it truly is the old fat me just trying to justify having whatever I want, whenever I want it. The fact that I'm not losing at a decent pace is a sign that I'm living in "Babe-land" instead of reality again.
So here's the thing. I have to remind myself that I have limitations--ones I chose to put upon myself so I can lose weight and live a real life. I have to remind myself that the old food-addict is still there, ready to come out, and that I'm not done with making changes to my brain. That the next year is going to be harder, but that this past year has helped me train for the struggles ahead.
In thinking all of this through today, it made me realize that I need to mark this occasion with a congratulations for what I HAVE acheived (even if it's not perfect). I particularly want to make it a day of gratitude for what I have, that I was given the chance to make these changes, and for the people in my life who have been so supportive (and who I will probably need over the next year to continue to support me). So decided to have a little party in my own honor--nothing big except a dinner out (to somewhere with a delicious buffalo-style grilled chicken breast that I've been obsessed with lately), a sugar-free dessert (that I'm making), and some fun activities (bowling, karaoke, or Wii Dance Party--the decision is still up in the air).
Of course there are lots of people long-distance I would love to include--all my readers here included--but instead I will just send and post pictures here. Consider yourselves on the inside, because just having regular followers and reading your comments has been a major source of support for me. Thank you all!
It's an exciting date, but one filled with mixed emotions. Excitement, anxiety, happiness, sadness--you name it, I've got it.
My goal was to reach the 100's mark (known in the bariatric community as "one-derland") by the one-year mark. According to my Wii Fit scale, I'm in the right area, fluctuating between 198 and 202. According to my other scale I haven't, saying I'm fluctuating between 202 and 206. My other scale can suck my big toe. Either way, I think I'm in the right place, even if it's not quite exact.
The hitch in my giddyup to congratulate myself, however, is all because I made the mistake of reading an article that stated bariatric patients will have lost 80% of their excess weight within the first year. According to my doctor, I was about 200 lbs in excess of my ideal weight. 80% of that (hey, math!) is 160 lbs. 160. Not the 150-and-change that I've lost. It shouldn't be such a big deal right? I'm close, right?
Here's the thing. I started out as a rock-star, losing almost 100 pounds in the first 4-5 months after surgery. I was a weight-losing wunderkind. Then things started to slow down, considerably. It's taken me 7-8 months to lose the next 50 pounds, so I'm no longer at rock-star status. To go from rock-star to not-even-quite average is hitting me hard.
I guess the light at the end of the obsession tunnel is that it is a good reality check for me. I've started to recognize that I've let myself wander off the path of what I'm supposed to be doing far too often. I eat sugar occasionally. I let myself have carbs. I choose the protein bar that tastes better (which for protein bars meas that they taste less ass-like) instead of the protein bar with the least carbs/sugar and highest protein. I often justify it with "I want to have a life and not let the weight loss prevent me from having things I love." Which is good when it's once a week because it keeps me balanced and lets me enjoy life. More than once a week, though, and it truly is the old fat me just trying to justify having whatever I want, whenever I want it. The fact that I'm not losing at a decent pace is a sign that I'm living in "Babe-land" instead of reality again.
So here's the thing. I have to remind myself that I have limitations--ones I chose to put upon myself so I can lose weight and live a real life. I have to remind myself that the old food-addict is still there, ready to come out, and that I'm not done with making changes to my brain. That the next year is going to be harder, but that this past year has helped me train for the struggles ahead.
In thinking all of this through today, it made me realize that I need to mark this occasion with a congratulations for what I HAVE acheived (even if it's not perfect). I particularly want to make it a day of gratitude for what I have, that I was given the chance to make these changes, and for the people in my life who have been so supportive (and who I will probably need over the next year to continue to support me). So decided to have a little party in my own honor--nothing big except a dinner out (to somewhere with a delicious buffalo-style grilled chicken breast that I've been obsessed with lately), a sugar-free dessert (that I'm making), and some fun activities (bowling, karaoke, or Wii Dance Party--the decision is still up in the air).
Of course there are lots of people long-distance I would love to include--all my readers here included--but instead I will just send and post pictures here. Consider yourselves on the inside, because just having regular followers and reading your comments has been a major source of support for me. Thank you all!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The blonde is back, baby!
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| Brunette (August 2010) |
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| Blonde (today) |
I was born blonde. Correction: I was born bald, and became a blonde as soon as the little baby hairs started sprouting from my baby head. When I went to college, my blonde turned dark and I started coloring it. I didn't even know what my real hair color WAS.
Then, about 3 years ago, I decided I should grow out all my highlights and donate my hair when it became long enough. By the time I had my gastric bypass last January, I had cut off all the highlights and only needed about 4 more inches of length to meet the minimum donation. Then, I got hit with post-surgical hair loss. So much fell out that my ponytail wasn't even big enough to fill any of my barrettes--down to about 1/3 of it's former density.
Basically, donating the 3 strands of hair I had left was not going to happen.
So I decided that if I couldn't donate it, I might as well get it colored back to it's former glory. That's right, people. We are talking blonde (well, highlights anyway).
So this evening I took the plunge, the results you see in the photo above. And when she turned me around in the chair and I saw myself, I felt like me. I felt, dare I say it, pretty. Finally. Not in the way that "I can't possibly leave the house without makeup!" way. But in the way that every person has the right to feel--regardless of whether or not they meet some arbitrary standard of attractiveness--simply because they are comfortable with who they are. I felt pretty in the way that you feel when someone who loves you looks into your eyes. Only this time, I was looking at myself that way.
For years I have been denying myself that gift. I've been unable to see the good things about myself, and I've been especially ashamed of how I looked--to the point that I just went into denial. I stopped getting my hair colored or cut, I bit my nails to the quick instead of growing them out and polishing them, I avoided doing more than mascara, etc. On the outside I told people that I wanted to do something nice by donating my hair, I was trying to live a lower maintenance lifestyle, I was going organic and wouldn't wear too much makeup. It sounds good, but it's not the truth.
The truth is that I couldn't abide looking at myself in the mirror. All I could see was the fat that covered me. I couldn't see past it--not that I'm a hard worker, or that I'm a good person, or that I have value. I started to let all the many parts of me (both the good and the bad) go by the wayside. Fat became who I was, how I defined myself. The problem with avoiding the reality of who and what you are means that you get stuck there, with no option for growth or change. Blinded by the fat, I guess.
Now losing the weight is reminding me that I am more than my appearance. More than my fat would let me be. And, frankly, one thing about myself that I'm re-discovering is how much joy I get from being girly, wearing makeup, playing dress up. Not because I have to to meet anyone's approval, but because it's fun. What better way to start the new year and celebrate the changes I'm making than with highlights? And to remind myself that it's OK to look into my own eyes in the mirror and see some love.
Now it's your turn--go do something that makes you feel pretty.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
1st day of the new year!
The new year is bringing me a gift--that of a reality check. If you've read any of my blog, you'll know that reality and I have a somewhat spotty relationship. I much prefer the imaginary Babe-land that I retreat to from time to time, a land where carbs have no consequences; a land where I can eat all I want, never exercise, and not gain any weight; a land where I have men lined up around the block to date me, fabulously high-paying jobs, a party every night, etc. etc. So yeah, it ain't real.
Here's the reality. I have a cold, so I wasn't able to go to the one party I was invited to for New Years. And I love parties. And New Years. Huge Bummer. And when I'm sick the idea of protein makes me queasy, nor is exercise all that feasible. Also a Bummer. Then this morning I woke up with a carb-bloat so bad that my eyes were nearly swollen to slits, and I'm up to about 209 lbs. Biggest Bummer of them All. With all of that, my Babe-ness crawled out of Babe-land and announced, "Self, it is time for reality."
And that's the point of the blog anyway...to make my experiences real and concrete enough to exist in the spoken word on an actual page, with actual people seeing it. Without that check-in, I could retreat back into Babe-land, where I once weighed 350+ lbs and was too miserable to go out into the world. Reality is harsh, but it is real and can be relied upon to always be truthful. Retreat too far into imagination and you never really know what's what.
Reality is bitch-slapping me in the face and telling me to make a damn plan already. So, here is the plan:
1. Checking in online 2-3xs per week (so far, check!)
2. Food diary. I truly TRULY hate this step, but I know that it is the best way to stay real about what I'm eating and how it's affecting my mood and my weight. I'm taking inspiration from blogger TinaM, who records her food almost religiously.
3-4. Make plans and stay busy (I know that it's 2 things--just consider this a combo-plate). My family did a wonderful job of listening to me and got me things to use, instead of just stuff. I got a gift of weekly Pilates from my parents, my brother and sister-in-law got me classes at a local cooking school (for a knife skills class--be very afraid!), and I have 3 Groupons that I bought--yoga classes, knitting classes, and Zumba classes. I just have to figure out how to schedule it all, and I know it sounds overwhelming, but I need to have plans and I need to stay busy. Otherwise I end up as a lump on the sofa, eating as many carb-tastic things as I can.
5. Find a better way to plan and eat meals. There are way too many good sites with recipes for post-surgery folks (and those that otherwise need healthy meals), and I need to utilize them. Maybe I'll blog for a week of Cooking Adventures. Especially once I've gotten in my knife skills class!
I can think of a lot more things that I should be doing, but frankly I can only concentrate on so many things at one time (the gift of ADD--just keeps on giving and....wait, what was I talking about?).
What is your New Year's Plan? (I just can't bring myself to say resolution, since the resolution ship sailed on the day I decided to have surgery). Tell me in the comments what you're looking forward to or planning for 2011....
Here's the reality. I have a cold, so I wasn't able to go to the one party I was invited to for New Years. And I love parties. And New Years. Huge Bummer. And when I'm sick the idea of protein makes me queasy, nor is exercise all that feasible. Also a Bummer. Then this morning I woke up with a carb-bloat so bad that my eyes were nearly swollen to slits, and I'm up to about 209 lbs. Biggest Bummer of them All. With all of that, my Babe-ness crawled out of Babe-land and announced, "Self, it is time for reality."
And that's the point of the blog anyway...to make my experiences real and concrete enough to exist in the spoken word on an actual page, with actual people seeing it. Without that check-in, I could retreat back into Babe-land, where I once weighed 350+ lbs and was too miserable to go out into the world. Reality is harsh, but it is real and can be relied upon to always be truthful. Retreat too far into imagination and you never really know what's what.
Reality is bitch-slapping me in the face and telling me to make a damn plan already. So, here is the plan:
1. Checking in online 2-3xs per week (so far, check!)
2. Food diary. I truly TRULY hate this step, but I know that it is the best way to stay real about what I'm eating and how it's affecting my mood and my weight. I'm taking inspiration from blogger TinaM, who records her food almost religiously.
3-4. Make plans and stay busy (I know that it's 2 things--just consider this a combo-plate). My family did a wonderful job of listening to me and got me things to use, instead of just stuff. I got a gift of weekly Pilates from my parents, my brother and sister-in-law got me classes at a local cooking school (for a knife skills class--be very afraid!), and I have 3 Groupons that I bought--yoga classes, knitting classes, and Zumba classes. I just have to figure out how to schedule it all, and I know it sounds overwhelming, but I need to have plans and I need to stay busy. Otherwise I end up as a lump on the sofa, eating as many carb-tastic things as I can.
5. Find a better way to plan and eat meals. There are way too many good sites with recipes for post-surgery folks (and those that otherwise need healthy meals), and I need to utilize them. Maybe I'll blog for a week of Cooking Adventures. Especially once I've gotten in my knife skills class!
I can think of a lot more things that I should be doing, but frankly I can only concentrate on so many things at one time (the gift of ADD--just keeps on giving and....wait, what was I talking about?).
What is your New Year's Plan? (I just can't bring myself to say resolution, since the resolution ship sailed on the day I decided to have surgery). Tell me in the comments what you're looking forward to or planning for 2011....
Thursday, December 30, 2010
It's been ages, I know...
So, the minute I posted about how I'm amazed that I stuck with this blog so long I hit a little speedbump. I just have not been able to really go online since Thanksgiving--lack of focus, lack of motivation--basically there has been no lack of lack-age. And today I had to stay home to work on a cold that I've had coming on for a couple of days, so I'm forcing myself to go online and post a little. And in my cold medicated-induced state, I think I need to refer to my inner Yoda, who is repetitive, extraordinarily irritating, and speaks backward as a rule. But I keep hearing, "Online you should go. Blog you shall. There is no try, only DO." Damn that little green dude.
Let's summarize the problem:
I can eat more. This is not such a good thing. At the end of one year post-surgery, most people have lost about 75-80% of their excess weight. According to my doctor, my excess was around 190-200 lbs, so by January 21 I should be down about 160 lbs. I'm still hovering between a loss of 145-150. I know my size has changed a little and I'm now fitting into size 18 jeans, and I think my upper half is between a 16 and an 18. But the weight is a bit stuck, and I'm pretty sure it's my fault. I really need to step up my exercise (like, a lot) and stick closely to the rules. I know I'm eating too much, and I'm having a really hard time stopping when I'm supposed to. So yeah, I'm freaking out. I feel like I lost my momentum and don't know how to get it back.
About there my little inner Yoda starts yelling, "Back to basics you should go, young Bariatric Babe-walker! Yell I must to get through to your stubborn self!" And for a while I've been telling that imaginary inner-muppet to take a long walk into a dark cave (or some other similar trademarked Jedi thingy that basically means, "get stuffed.")
But now it's time to figure out what I want to do from here, and start taking steps to get there. What better time than the first of the year? I hear the clock ticking and the ball dropping and I'm ready to see that same downward movement on the scale. So I have to set a goal, which is like pulling eye teeth to me, and this is as good a place to start as any.
I don't feel ready to set an actual goal. So instead, I'll just make myself a new commitment to getting back in touch with the weight loss community by blogging, by reading blogs written by others who are in the process of losing weight, and by revisiting all the bariatric sites with their tips and such. At least 2-3 times each week.
So I'm saving the recap of my holiday experiences as a first-time bariatric patient for my next post, to come in a day or two. In the meantime, feel free to tell me in the comments what goals you're setting for yourself this year...
Let's summarize the problem:
I can eat more. This is not such a good thing. At the end of one year post-surgery, most people have lost about 75-80% of their excess weight. According to my doctor, my excess was around 190-200 lbs, so by January 21 I should be down about 160 lbs. I'm still hovering between a loss of 145-150. I know my size has changed a little and I'm now fitting into size 18 jeans, and I think my upper half is between a 16 and an 18. But the weight is a bit stuck, and I'm pretty sure it's my fault. I really need to step up my exercise (like, a lot) and stick closely to the rules. I know I'm eating too much, and I'm having a really hard time stopping when I'm supposed to. So yeah, I'm freaking out. I feel like I lost my momentum and don't know how to get it back.
About there my little inner Yoda starts yelling, "Back to basics you should go, young Bariatric Babe-walker! Yell I must to get through to your stubborn self!" And for a while I've been telling that imaginary inner-muppet to take a long walk into a dark cave (or some other similar trademarked Jedi thingy that basically means, "get stuffed.")
But now it's time to figure out what I want to do from here, and start taking steps to get there. What better time than the first of the year? I hear the clock ticking and the ball dropping and I'm ready to see that same downward movement on the scale. So I have to set a goal, which is like pulling eye teeth to me, and this is as good a place to start as any.
I don't feel ready to set an actual goal. So instead, I'll just make myself a new commitment to getting back in touch with the weight loss community by blogging, by reading blogs written by others who are in the process of losing weight, and by revisiting all the bariatric sites with their tips and such. At least 2-3 times each week.
So I'm saving the recap of my holiday experiences as a first-time bariatric patient for my next post, to come in a day or two. In the meantime, feel free to tell me in the comments what goals you're setting for yourself this year...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Post #100!
That's right, peeps. It's my 100th post. Weird, right? Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a "stick-to-it" kind of girl. I'm more of an idea gal, and it's best if someone else does all the details and followup.
But it's been a year and a half, and I have 100 posts to show for it. When I started, it was May of 2009. I was still trying to do Weight Watchers and hadn't even gone to the seminar on bariatric surgery. I knew change was imminent, but I didn't know how or why. I was miserable, and couldn't walk from my house to my car without having to stop and rest at the bottom of my stairs. I had full-blown sleep apnea, and weighed 353 pounds (give or take a few). I wore a size 30/32 shirt--on my thinnest days (I don't even know my pants size because I just kept wearing my 26/28 until they stretched to fit).
In November 2009, I went to the bariatric seminar given by my surgeon to educate people on surgical options and to help them decide if it's right for them. It's been a year since I decided to have the surgery, and so far I'm so glad I did (recap alert!):
1. I survived 2 major surgeries, 2 strictures, 3 ER visits, 9 days and 8 crazy nights in the hospital, all with my good humor intact (mostly).
2. I can walk to and from my car without even thinking. Hell, I went hiking on a mountain, cardio-kickboxed, pilates-ed, elliptical-ized and can even go up and down stairs.
3. I am 5 pounds shy of having lost the equivalent weight of my entire mother. Soaking wet and wearing shoes.
4. I had to give away my "skinny" clothes because they were too big, and I shopped and actually bought clothes in a store that sells regular sizes.
5. My surgeon didn't recognize me until I told him that I was "the one with the NG tube who you told was going back into surgery if I had gone one more day with a swollen-shut pouch." (he remembered that!)
6. I have spent more on my medical condition this year to date than I made in a year at my first HR job. And if you include all the expenses of weird, high-protein food, vitamins, new clothes, pilates classes, gym memberships, and special "hair-loss" shampoos, I've spent more this year to date than I made when as a regional HR manager.
It's a hell of a lot to pack into 100 measly little posts. But here is what I'm hoping in the next 100:
1. Buy all my clothes at a store that is not exclusive to plus sizes.
2. Lose 34 more pounds, which will make me "overweight" instead of obese. If I really want to shoot for the moon, I'll lose 64 pounds, which would put me at "normal." That is absolutely unimaginable to me.
3. Try more fun exercise stuff--Zumba, Hot or Core Power Yoga, ride a bike--outside, Boot camp (well, maybe not that one, that doesn't sound like fun).
4. Look into and possibly start the process of surgical skin removal and a tummy tuck.
5. Sit in an airline seat WITH the tray table in it's non-upright position (and not resting on my belly, either).
6. Ride a roller coaster. Or not. But just to at least have the option.
7. Date. Someone. Anyone. Preferably a dude (nothing against the ladies!).
8. Be able to travel.
9. Ride a horse. Or a cowboy (see #7). Whatever.
10. Wear an inappropriately sexy Halloween costume. Maybe just in the dressing room, but still!
Probably a whole lot more stuff that I can't even think of right now. But the possibilities are out there!
Just to close this one out, I thought I'd leave you with a little glimpse of what I see now when I look down. It still surprises me (especially that I fit into these cute new tights!), and I'm wondering when I'll stop being amazed that this is me...
But it's been a year and a half, and I have 100 posts to show for it. When I started, it was May of 2009. I was still trying to do Weight Watchers and hadn't even gone to the seminar on bariatric surgery. I knew change was imminent, but I didn't know how or why. I was miserable, and couldn't walk from my house to my car without having to stop and rest at the bottom of my stairs. I had full-blown sleep apnea, and weighed 353 pounds (give or take a few). I wore a size 30/32 shirt--on my thinnest days (I don't even know my pants size because I just kept wearing my 26/28 until they stretched to fit).
In November 2009, I went to the bariatric seminar given by my surgeon to educate people on surgical options and to help them decide if it's right for them. It's been a year since I decided to have the surgery, and so far I'm so glad I did (recap alert!):
1. I survived 2 major surgeries, 2 strictures, 3 ER visits, 9 days and 8 crazy nights in the hospital, all with my good humor intact (mostly).
2. I can walk to and from my car without even thinking. Hell, I went hiking on a mountain, cardio-kickboxed, pilates-ed, elliptical-ized and can even go up and down stairs.
3. I am 5 pounds shy of having lost the equivalent weight of my entire mother. Soaking wet and wearing shoes.
4. I had to give away my "skinny" clothes because they were too big, and I shopped and actually bought clothes in a store that sells regular sizes.
5. My surgeon didn't recognize me until I told him that I was "the one with the NG tube who you told was going back into surgery if I had gone one more day with a swollen-shut pouch." (he remembered that!)
6. I have spent more on my medical condition this year to date than I made in a year at my first HR job. And if you include all the expenses of weird, high-protein food, vitamins, new clothes, pilates classes, gym memberships, and special "hair-loss" shampoos, I've spent more this year to date than I made when as a regional HR manager.
It's a hell of a lot to pack into 100 measly little posts. But here is what I'm hoping in the next 100:
1. Buy all my clothes at a store that is not exclusive to plus sizes.
2. Lose 34 more pounds, which will make me "overweight" instead of obese. If I really want to shoot for the moon, I'll lose 64 pounds, which would put me at "normal." That is absolutely unimaginable to me.
3. Try more fun exercise stuff--Zumba, Hot or Core Power Yoga, ride a bike--outside, Boot camp (well, maybe not that one, that doesn't sound like fun).
4. Look into and possibly start the process of surgical skin removal and a tummy tuck.
5. Sit in an airline seat WITH the tray table in it's non-upright position (and not resting on my belly, either).
6. Ride a roller coaster. Or not. But just to at least have the option.
7. Date. Someone. Anyone. Preferably a dude (nothing against the ladies!).
8. Be able to travel.
9. Ride a horse. Or a cowboy (see #7). Whatever.
10. Wear an inappropriately sexy Halloween costume. Maybe just in the dressing room, but still!
Probably a whole lot more stuff that I can't even think of right now. But the possibilities are out there!
Just to close this one out, I thought I'd leave you with a little glimpse of what I see now when I look down. It still surprises me (especially that I fit into these cute new tights!), and I'm wondering when I'll stop being amazed that this is me...
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Calling all cooks....and post-ops too...
First of all, welcome to those of you who are new and joined me--thanks very much!
Now for the main event: I need suggestions on how to handle Thanksgiving. It is my first big "foodie" holiday since surgery, and I'm worried. Here is how Thanksgiving normally transpires at my house:
1. My parents come for an extended stay, which puts three adults in a condo for one. Not only are there more people in a smaller space, but the people in question all have somewhat big personalities (I actually think I may top the list on this). So while I love it when they come visit, it can also be overwhelming.
2. We wake up and turn on the Thanksgiving parade and my mom and I cook. My mom's job is to hold the turkey while I fill it with stuffing, and to amuse me by making the turkey dance while she's doing it.
3. We eat the food. What is it? For me it's always a little bit of turkey on the side of a large plate of carbs--stuffing, mashed potatoes, and rolls. We try to have salad and veggies to make it a slightly rounder meal, but I usually push those to the side.
4. My mother cleans up. Our deal is that I cook (with the exception of preparing the naked turkey for the oven), and she cleans up. That, and she's somewhat compulsive about cleaning so even if we didn't have the agreement I would just leave it until it drove her so crazy that she cleaned it up anyway. So the trade-off is actually a much better deal. During clean up, there is usually a great deal of "stuffing-stealing" on my part, which consists of me deciding that there is no way for all the stuffing to fit into the tupperware and I should therefore eat it while standing in the kitchen. And maybe another roll. With butter.
5. Then there is much laying around in a tryptophan-induced semi-comatose state while my father attempts to watch football with his eyes closed and my mother and I attempt to change the channel to something girly without waking him.
6. We eventually make it over to a friend's house for a dessert buffet and to practice having more appropriate social skills than sneaking stuffing and slumping on the couch.
7. We go home, we have a late-night snack (ie. a second Thanksgiving dinner), and we go to bed.
These are things that I cannot do this year. I can't make it all about the food. I can't eat the same type of food, nor can I eat it in the same quantity. And I'm realizing that I'm going to have to re-design Thanksgiving. Here's where I need your help.
How do I celebrate the holiday without making food the centerpiece? How do I get some physical activity space for that day? What food can I have that feels festive and holiday-like for all of us, but doesn't make me hate myself the next day? How can I change our holiday without making my parents feel punished?
I don't know. I've thought about going out to dinner (not a great option for us), ordering a "Turkey Dinner for 2" from Whole Foods, having yummy and festive nibbly things (since I have to eat small amounts several times a day) and avoid the one major holiday meal altogether, or invite ourselves to a friend's house. I'm just not sure.
What are you guys all doing for Thanksgiving? What do you do to stay on plan for the day (or do you just give yourself a free pass for the day)? How do you make it feel like a holiday when you have to change everything?
Any and all suggestions are welcome--please leave them in the comments.
Now for the main event: I need suggestions on how to handle Thanksgiving. It is my first big "foodie" holiday since surgery, and I'm worried. Here is how Thanksgiving normally transpires at my house:
1. My parents come for an extended stay, which puts three adults in a condo for one. Not only are there more people in a smaller space, but the people in question all have somewhat big personalities (I actually think I may top the list on this). So while I love it when they come visit, it can also be overwhelming.
2. We wake up and turn on the Thanksgiving parade and my mom and I cook. My mom's job is to hold the turkey while I fill it with stuffing, and to amuse me by making the turkey dance while she's doing it.
3. We eat the food. What is it? For me it's always a little bit of turkey on the side of a large plate of carbs--stuffing, mashed potatoes, and rolls. We try to have salad and veggies to make it a slightly rounder meal, but I usually push those to the side.
4. My mother cleans up. Our deal is that I cook (with the exception of preparing the naked turkey for the oven), and she cleans up. That, and she's somewhat compulsive about cleaning so even if we didn't have the agreement I would just leave it until it drove her so crazy that she cleaned it up anyway. So the trade-off is actually a much better deal. During clean up, there is usually a great deal of "stuffing-stealing" on my part, which consists of me deciding that there is no way for all the stuffing to fit into the tupperware and I should therefore eat it while standing in the kitchen. And maybe another roll. With butter.
5. Then there is much laying around in a tryptophan-induced semi-comatose state while my father attempts to watch football with his eyes closed and my mother and I attempt to change the channel to something girly without waking him.
6. We eventually make it over to a friend's house for a dessert buffet and to practice having more appropriate social skills than sneaking stuffing and slumping on the couch.
7. We go home, we have a late-night snack (ie. a second Thanksgiving dinner), and we go to bed.
These are things that I cannot do this year. I can't make it all about the food. I can't eat the same type of food, nor can I eat it in the same quantity. And I'm realizing that I'm going to have to re-design Thanksgiving. Here's where I need your help.
How do I celebrate the holiday without making food the centerpiece? How do I get some physical activity space for that day? What food can I have that feels festive and holiday-like for all of us, but doesn't make me hate myself the next day? How can I change our holiday without making my parents feel punished?
I don't know. I've thought about going out to dinner (not a great option for us), ordering a "Turkey Dinner for 2" from Whole Foods, having yummy and festive nibbly things (since I have to eat small amounts several times a day) and avoid the one major holiday meal altogether, or invite ourselves to a friend's house. I'm just not sure.
What are you guys all doing for Thanksgiving? What do you do to stay on plan for the day (or do you just give yourself a free pass for the day)? How do you make it feel like a holiday when you have to change everything?
Any and all suggestions are welcome--please leave them in the comments.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Gastric Bypass (and other weight loss) internet tools
To finish up "internet week," I thought I'd tell you about a few other great things on the internet that I've really found useful since having gastric bypass. For those of you that are following for non-surgical weight loss/health, some of these will be really great for you too.
1. Please go check out BTV (Bariatric TV). They speak the truth about a healthy post-surgical lifestyle in a funny, interesting way. Normally I don't like watching videos (I would prefer an article I can print out), but they are a significant exception. My favorite part of it is the "I Freaking Did It" segment, which is where people who've had the surgery share the new and exciting things they are able to do because of their smaller bodies. Some of them are riding rollercoasters, or doing a marathon, or riding a horse. You can see my own "I Freaking Did It" pictures of my first time hiking here on my blog.
2. Take a look at my blogroll...those are the people that inspire me. Some of my favorites include Happy Fun Pants, The World According to Eggface, Melting Mama, Shrinking Blubeary, and probably a bunch more that I can't even think of right now.
3. Do searches for healthy recipes. Check out SparkPeople.com, LiveStrong.com, ObesityHelp.com. Ask your friends for recommendations, or just use a Google search.
4. As much as I love using the internet as a tool, don't forget to go outside and live. In fact, I'm cutting my post much shorter than I initially planned so I can go out to work out, shop, and hang out with my friend Goldilocks.
Here's hoping that you found something fun, new, interesting, or educational over this last week. I know I did!
1. Please go check out BTV (Bariatric TV). They speak the truth about a healthy post-surgical lifestyle in a funny, interesting way. Normally I don't like watching videos (I would prefer an article I can print out), but they are a significant exception. My favorite part of it is the "I Freaking Did It" segment, which is where people who've had the surgery share the new and exciting things they are able to do because of their smaller bodies. Some of them are riding rollercoasters, or doing a marathon, or riding a horse. You can see my own "I Freaking Did It" pictures of my first time hiking here on my blog.
2. Take a look at my blogroll...those are the people that inspire me. Some of my favorites include Happy Fun Pants, The World According to Eggface, Melting Mama, Shrinking Blubeary, and probably a bunch more that I can't even think of right now.
3. Do searches for healthy recipes. Check out SparkPeople.com, LiveStrong.com, ObesityHelp.com. Ask your friends for recommendations, or just use a Google search.
4. As much as I love using the internet as a tool, don't forget to go outside and live. In fact, I'm cutting my post much shorter than I initially planned so I can go out to work out, shop, and hang out with my friend Goldilocks.
Here's hoping that you found something fun, new, interesting, or educational over this last week. I know I did!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Attitude of gratitude
This morning, I had my last pre-paid Pilates class, and I really do like it. I'm trying to figure out a way to pay for more sessions, as I think it really helps get me in touch with my body as it's changing post-bariatric surgery.
On the way home, I was overwhelmed by a sense of how grateful I am for so much in my life. It's easy to get caught up in the number on the scale (which hasn't changed more than a pound or two in the last month and a half!), or a still-bulging belly, or how hard it is to eat differently. I feel compelled to wear my "before" picture on my shirt so that people can see, saying, "Yeah, I'm still fat, but look how far I've come!" I even find myself comparing how much I've lost to other people who have gone through gastric bypass--have I lost more than them, or more quickly, or am I on track? I wonder if I could have started exercising earlier how much more I would have lost by now. I worry that because I ate some croutons yesterday that I'm blowing my chance to lose more weight and get to my goal.
I've been doing a lot of beating myself up lately for all of this, and this morning I just took a breath and realized I need to concentrate more on the positives (I think the Pilates reminded me of this). For me that starts with being grateful. So it was time to check in with my center of gratitude and fill it up.
I am so grateful:
*That my parents support me, both in paying for the surgery and for the moral and physical support following it. Yeah for Mom and Dad! You guys rock!
*For my job. I have wonderful people I work with, and they are very understanding. How many bosses have you had that tell you to take time off? And I also know that with this economy, I'm lucky to be employed.
*For Sophie the cat, aka. The Beast. She keeps me company and reminds me to be less self-centered.
*For my friend Goldilocks, who reminds me to go to the gym, who keeps me company there, and who even slows herself to be patient with me and my physical limitations.
*For my body. As much as I resent it, and tell it how ugly it is, it still gets me around. It's easy to forget how wonderful your body is when you focus on how it looks and not how it feels. And I need to continually remind myself how I couldn't walk without pain, or go to restaurants with booths, or go swimming.
I'm sure there's more, but I'm meeting with a friend to eat some low-cal Japanese food for lunch and then walk the mall, so I gots to go.
What are you grateful for?
On the way home, I was overwhelmed by a sense of how grateful I am for so much in my life. It's easy to get caught up in the number on the scale (which hasn't changed more than a pound or two in the last month and a half!), or a still-bulging belly, or how hard it is to eat differently. I feel compelled to wear my "before" picture on my shirt so that people can see, saying, "Yeah, I'm still fat, but look how far I've come!" I even find myself comparing how much I've lost to other people who have gone through gastric bypass--have I lost more than them, or more quickly, or am I on track? I wonder if I could have started exercising earlier how much more I would have lost by now. I worry that because I ate some croutons yesterday that I'm blowing my chance to lose more weight and get to my goal.
I've been doing a lot of beating myself up lately for all of this, and this morning I just took a breath and realized I need to concentrate more on the positives (I think the Pilates reminded me of this). For me that starts with being grateful. So it was time to check in with my center of gratitude and fill it up.
I am so grateful:
*That my parents support me, both in paying for the surgery and for the moral and physical support following it. Yeah for Mom and Dad! You guys rock!
*For my job. I have wonderful people I work with, and they are very understanding. How many bosses have you had that tell you to take time off? And I also know that with this economy, I'm lucky to be employed.
*For Sophie the cat, aka. The Beast. She keeps me company and reminds me to be less self-centered.
*For my friend Goldilocks, who reminds me to go to the gym, who keeps me company there, and who even slows herself to be patient with me and my physical limitations.
*For my body. As much as I resent it, and tell it how ugly it is, it still gets me around. It's easy to forget how wonderful your body is when you focus on how it looks and not how it feels. And I need to continually remind myself how I couldn't walk without pain, or go to restaurants with booths, or go swimming.
I'm sure there's more, but I'm meeting with a friend to eat some low-cal Japanese food for lunch and then walk the mall, so I gots to go.
What are you grateful for?
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Out with the old
Today I went through my closet and got rid of any size 30/32's that I have. I got rid of most of the 26/28's too. I had a threefold test to see if it was time to get rid of it: 1. Is it so big that it looks ridiculous? 2. Is it totally out of style? 3. Would this item be better served with someone else? If I answered yes to any of them, into the Goodwill bag it went. I have 3 large paper bags (from Whole Foods, see I recycle too!) full.
And instead of being thrilled that I'm smaller and able to get rid of my largest clothes, I find that I'm a little melancholy. It's funny how going through your old clothes is like looking at little pieces of your life. That's the outfit I bought because I needed something for an event and it was the first thing that fit that didn't make me want to gouge out my own eyes. It was also my first visit to the real "fat lady" store, because I was getting too big for Lane Bryant. That's the outfit I got at Christmas that I never even tried on because I knew how awful I would look in it (Sorry, Mom). That's the first outfit I got at Avenue, and I was so thrilled to find it had size 30/32. That's the shirt with the retro graphic on it, that made me feel like I wasn't so out-of-step with everyone else ('course, this is back when retro graphics were cool).
I'm terrified to get rid of it all, it's like getting rid of my history. At the same time, it would make my life easier to have clothes in the closet that fit and that I actually like. So my compromise is to keep the outfit I was wearing in my "before" picture. It's a reminder of where I came from...and where I hope to never be again.
And instead of being thrilled that I'm smaller and able to get rid of my largest clothes, I find that I'm a little melancholy. It's funny how going through your old clothes is like looking at little pieces of your life. That's the outfit I bought because I needed something for an event and it was the first thing that fit that didn't make me want to gouge out my own eyes. It was also my first visit to the real "fat lady" store, because I was getting too big for Lane Bryant. That's the outfit I got at Christmas that I never even tried on because I knew how awful I would look in it (Sorry, Mom). That's the first outfit I got at Avenue, and I was so thrilled to find it had size 30/32. That's the shirt with the retro graphic on it, that made me feel like I wasn't so out-of-step with everyone else ('course, this is back when retro graphics were cool).
I'm terrified to get rid of it all, it's like getting rid of my history. At the same time, it would make my life easier to have clothes in the closet that fit and that I actually like. So my compromise is to keep the outfit I was wearing in my "before" picture. It's a reminder of where I came from...and where I hope to never be again.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Pictures, huh?
The masses demand pictures! If only the masses could come by my house and figure out how the (*#&^# to use my stupid camera. I tried to use the camera built into the computer, but it doesn't get the whole effect. :-( So until my cat gets opposable thumbs, or until someone with opposable thumbs comes to visit me, you'll have to wait for updated (post-100 lb. loss) pictures.
Never let it be said that The Babe ignores the lovely people that are nice enough to post to her. Now you can scroll to the bottom of the blog to see my freshly posted "before" pictures. I wouldn't even have before pictures if my mom didn't talk me (read, force me) into letting her take them. And now it's really hard to see those old pictures. In my head, I never weighed as much as I did. I wouldn't look in the mirror, I did my best not to move so that I wouldn't feel how ungainly I'd gotten. But those pictures make it really real, and I don't like reality all that much. Bariatric Babe-land is so much prettier.
But, as my therapist says, "reality is your friend." A friend I would like to tell to 'suck it' sometimes. Especially on days when I feel really awful, or look too bald, or feel too lonely. On those days, reality does not feel like a friend.
But as I tell all my employees that bitch about stupid stuff like, "Why can't we wear capris?" or "Do we really have to evacuate when the fire alarm goes off?"--it is what it is, people. Damn. I hate it when Sensible Me is right.
As soon as a friend with thumbs comes to visit, I will get a current picture posted too. And when I look at my photos and see my thinning hair, my lumpy belly that looks like it lost a knife-fight, or how pretty my eyes are now that they aren't so small in my head, I will think, "It is what it is." And that's the best it can be...
Never let it be said that The Babe ignores the lovely people that are nice enough to post to her. Now you can scroll to the bottom of the blog to see my freshly posted "before" pictures. I wouldn't even have before pictures if my mom didn't talk me (read, force me) into letting her take them. And now it's really hard to see those old pictures. In my head, I never weighed as much as I did. I wouldn't look in the mirror, I did my best not to move so that I wouldn't feel how ungainly I'd gotten. But those pictures make it really real, and I don't like reality all that much. Bariatric Babe-land is so much prettier.
But, as my therapist says, "reality is your friend." A friend I would like to tell to 'suck it' sometimes. Especially on days when I feel really awful, or look too bald, or feel too lonely. On those days, reality does not feel like a friend.
But as I tell all my employees that bitch about stupid stuff like, "Why can't we wear capris?" or "Do we really have to evacuate when the fire alarm goes off?"--it is what it is, people. Damn. I hate it when Sensible Me is right.
As soon as a friend with thumbs comes to visit, I will get a current picture posted too. And when I look at my photos and see my thinning hair, my lumpy belly that looks like it lost a knife-fight, or how pretty my eyes are now that they aren't so small in my head, I will think, "It is what it is." And that's the best it can be...
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