Shhh...it's a secret!

So last weekend I went to a seminar held by a certified Bariatric Life Coach (I'm going to ask her permission to put her info on the blog this week).  I asked my parents for a two-year surgiversary gift of the cost of the weekend, and I found out that I could bring a friend for free, so I took along my friend HFP (visit her blog by clicking here).  Awesome choice, because she is so much fun and I knew she would really be into it.

One of the things we did was to set goals.  I am not a goal setter.  I hate them, I find them confining, and I am not a fan of any kind of real structure.  Which basically means I probably need to have them more than the average person.  But the thinking is that if you don't REALLY know what you want, how are you ever going to get it?  I've always been afraid of thinking or saying what I want because I have a pathological fear of not getting it.  I know what I'm supposed to want, and I know what I should want, but what do I really want? 

I realized through the course of the day that there are about 4 categories of things I want (I'll get to them all eventually).  The one that is the hardest to say out loud is that I want to let someone in to my life, to fall in love, to get married, to build a family.  I hate saying that, because I never want to be one of "those" girls who needs someone to be complete.  You know, the girls whose eyes glaze over at the thought of an engagement ring, the girls who don't know how to be alone, the girls who love valentine's day and who have cute names like "Shmoopey" for the person they date.  I like to call them The Children of the Corny.

My God, I think I might be one of them.

I also am realizing it's not just a life partner I'm looking for.  I want a big circle of friends again (many of my besties have moved away).  I want parties where people actually come over and I can Entertain with a capital E.  I want people I can call up to go do things with.  I want to actually live life--travel, try new things, etc.--and I don't want to always do it alone.

Here's the problem.  I've self-isolated for so long that I'm having a hard time stopping.  I watched my friend HFP making friends with everyone at the event.  She knew all of their names, she connected with them as people, and she related to them.  And I felt stuck inside myself the whole time.  I didn't reach out; I didn't make friends; I didn't connect.

What happened?  I used to be the person who made instant friends wherever I went.  Heck, the only time in my life I ever got sent to the Principle's office was in either kindergarten or 1st grade, and it was for trying to kiss boys on the playground and make them my boyfriend.  So I know it's in there somewhere.  But I have a lot to chip away at before I can let myself be vulnerable enough to let someone in.

I guess I now know one thing I want.  I just don't know how to get there.

2 years ago today

Today is my "surgiversary."  Two years ago, at this very time, I was still under anesthesia.  I was sick, I was tired, I had given my life up to the point I never went out, and I lived to eat.

Flash forward to today.  I'm about 160 lbs. lighter (I gained about 7 pounds over the holiday, and have lost 2 of those back, so it's a give or take number).  I can go down stairs (and up without even breathing hard).  I can get to my car without so much pain in my back that I collapse on the seat with relief.  I don't live to eat, although I do still have my moments where food becomes way more important than it should (I chalk it up to an obsessive personality--unfortunately they didn't operate on that). 

I have to remember how far I have come, because it's very easy to get caught in the trap of feeling like a failure because I haven't lost "enough."  Enough to get out of the obese category, according to those *&^% BMI charts.  Enough to relieve the pressure on my abdomen (I still have all the lovely visceral fat right on my midsection) to be able to have the skin surgery and tummy tuck.  Enough to feel almost normal.

I've been caught in that trap of "not enough" for a few months now, and (not surprisingly) I've gained a few pounds.  It's so easy to revert to old comforts when you aren't feeling good about yourself.  Although my stomach is a lot smaller, the surgery does shoot your metabolism all to hell and so there is a point where you will hit a plateau, and I've been there for at least 6 months.  I've let it discourage me to the point where I got derailed from what I really want (to lose enough to have the surgery to take care of "the business").  I let myself sneak in too much carbs and sugar over the holidays, eat more food (and less frequently), and I got off track.  Whenever that happens, it's easy to spiral into the:  I'mnotgoodenoughandI'mnevergoingtolosetherestoftheweightandthereforeI'mafailureateverythingIdoandImightaswelleatcookies.

I can't possibly be the only one who goes there.  It's like having a headache and instead of taking Tylenol, you imagine that you MUST have a brain tumor, throw your hands up in the air, and mope around complaining about the pain.

So there are two things I want to reflect on today. 

One, is that I'm not a failure.  I've accomplished so much more than I even dared hope for on the morning I went in for surgery and came out with a new chance for life. Gaining 7 pounds is not moving towards my goal, but it's also not the end of the world.  It really is an opportunity to see what drives my eating, and to learn from it so it doesn't repeat itself over and over until I gain all of it back.  This is hard to remember, and it's why I had to put it in black and white.

Two, is that it is a chance to remember what it is I want, and to accept the actions I need to take to get there.  It's easy when you're a little down to forget that there are a lot of things you DO have control of.  I have control of what I eat.  I can control my portion size.  I can decide to go to the gym instead of heading out to a restaurant where it's harder to stick to the plan.  It is my decision, and I don't need to let my weight or size derail me into thinking this battle is already lost.  After all, every veteran of this surgery I know of says the real work starts when you hit your one-year mark, and the war truly resumes when you hit the two-year mark.

So here it is.  I've done great.  I can continue to do great.  I am not controlled by my situation, but I use it to my advantage.  I can get "back to basics" and know that even if I don't lose any more weight that I'm doing the most respectful thing for myself.  Happy surgiversary to me...

Blah blah blah...

Well, it's a blah day.  In fact, it's been a blah week.  Guess what overweight people do when they feel blah?  Yeah.  And I've really been struggling.  My surgery has not ended up as restrictive as I'd hoped for.  I knew before surgery that I needed a really tight leash to rein myself in.  If I didn't, I wouldn't have needed the surgery.  Frankly, if I could throw on a choke collar right now I would.

Don't get me wrong, I am restricted, but it isn't enough.  I can eat around it (in that I don't dump, and I don't throw up), and I don't want to do that.  About 80-85% percent of the time I follow the rules and do what I'm supposed to, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am now, 155 pounds lighter.  But 15-20% I take the leeway, and it goes from being "wiggle room" (which my doctor says should be 5-10%) to a big problem.

So I need to ask myself some questions:
1.  What's bothering me?  Why am I turning to the food?
2.  Why am I sabotaging my own success?  Am I content with where I am now?  Am I afraid to get smaller?
3.  Is this a clinical depression, or am I just struggling like normal people do?  (Full disclosure: I stopped taking anti-depressants after surgery with my doctor's approval.  I do not play when it comes to this stuff.)
4.  Is it hormonal?  If so, should I change my birth control to see if it helps or should I just be prepared for this every 4 weeks?
5.  Is it that I haven't been working out as much?  I know that working out really does improve my mood, so if that's the issue I just need to refocus my time and energy.

If you have half a brain (and I know you do), you probably came to the same conclusion I did after reading this.  I need to journal EVERYTHING--food, mood, and exercise--so I can get to the bottom of what is going on.

Have I mentioned here before how much I hate that?  If not, let me explain.  I hate it with a purple passion.  I hate it like "Sarah Palin in 2012."  I hate it like being stuck in a cave with canned green beans as my only option for survival.  I hate it like I hate having to tell 300+ people that they no longer have a job...you probably get the picture.

Unfortunately, I think it's really my only option if I'm going to figure this out and be successful in the long run.  It's time to put on my big girl panties and get my journal on.  Please feel free to send me any hints, tips, or suggestions on how do make this less painful...

So far, so good (or...Hey, I made it a whole day!)

I'm getting back on track.  I've found my mojo.  The force is with me.  I've got air in my tires and wind at my back.  However you want to put the cliche, I'm feeling much more motivated now to do what I need to in order to break through my weight loss stall.

My biggest hurdles are always planning and being accountable.  So this morning I woke up and started my day out right with some Eggface-approved chocolate mini-muffins (YUM!).  If you haven't visited her blog, do yourself a favor and click on the button in the right margin of my blog.  She has great tips and recipes for those of us needing the help (ie.  everyone I've ever met who's had weight loss surgery).  She's even doing a vitamin giveaway on her site right now (although I shouldn't tell you so that I have better odds of winning).  By the way, with a little adaptation, her recipes even work at high altitude!  I made her chocolate mini muffins 3-ways:  a dot of creamy peanut butter in the middle for some, a sprinkling of Black Onyx cocoa powder (the kind that makes Oreos so darkly delicious) and instant coffee crystals for others, and a CocoaRoast almond for the last set.  I think the peanut butter and mocha ones were the best.

Then I made a BBQ chicken "pizza" for lunch, which consisted of a low-carb tortilla (I use the Fat Flush Plan tortillas, despite the appalling name) topped with a little mix of pizza sauce and BBQ sauce, pieces of roasted chicken, and a sprinkle of pizza cheese.  YUM! 

For dinner, I made chili.  Taking inspiration from Eggface, I just made it up as I went.  I put a pot roast in the crockpot with some blended-up salsa, chicken broth, and a bunch of chili spices I bought at a fair.  I added a can of black beans about halfway through, shredded the meat and added it back in, sprinkles in a teaspoon of coffee crystals, and let it stay on warm until I was ready to eat.  Yes, that sound you hear is me patting myself on the back for being so clever.

I still have 1-2 meals left for the day...I average about 5 meals per day, but sometimes on the weekend time gets away from me and I don't get them all in.  But the chili was so good that I may have some more of that.

Basically the quality of what I'm eating is much better, but that is just half the battle.  What I'm really worried about is the quantity of food.  I've never been great about measuring and it appears to be catching up to me.  I could have eaten 1/2 cup of chili, but forced myself to stop at 1/3 cup.  I know that if you haven't had surgery that sounds ridiculously small, but from someone who was only able to eat 1 tablespoon at a time only 10 short months ago, it's a lot.  And at the point I am, I should still only be able to eat 1/4 cup to 1/3 cup.  I'm hoping that with a week or two of restricting myself to 1/4 cup that my stomach may re-shrink.  Or I'll get so hungry that I gnaw off someone's arm during a budget meeting.  One or the other, really. 

Now that my cold seems to be on the downhill side, it means getting back to the gym tomorrow night.  I'm dreading the inevitable "January Crowd" of people who start out the year working out and drop out by March.  To make it even worse, the 24 Hour Fitness that is on my way home is closed for renovations, so all the other centers are that much more crowded.  It'll be like shopping at Loeman's the day after Christmas.  Or Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving.  I'm anticipating shoving, pushing, and a small amount of bloodshed.  That way anything that actually does happen is a bit of a denoument.

I hope your year is starting out well too.  Here's to staying on track...

1st day of the new year!

The new year is bringing me a gift--that of a reality check.  If you've read any of my blog, you'll know that reality and I have a somewhat spotty relationship.  I much prefer the imaginary Babe-land that I retreat to from time to time, a land where carbs have no consequences; a land where I can eat all I want, never exercise, and not gain any weight; a land where I have men lined up around the block to date me, fabulously high-paying jobs, a party every night, etc. etc.  So yeah, it ain't real.

Here's the reality.  I have a cold, so I wasn't able to go to the one party I was invited to for New Years.  And I love parties.  And New Years.  Huge Bummer.  And when I'm sick the idea of protein makes me queasy, nor is exercise all that feasible.  Also a Bummer.  Then this morning I woke up with a carb-bloat so bad that my eyes were nearly swollen to slits, and I'm up to about 209 lbs.  Biggest Bummer of them All.  With all of that, my Babe-ness crawled out of Babe-land and announced, "Self, it is time for reality."

And that's the point of the blog anyway...to make my experiences real and concrete enough to exist in the spoken word on an actual page, with actual people seeing it.  Without that check-in, I could retreat back into Babe-land, where I once weighed 350+ lbs and was too miserable to go out into the world.  Reality is harsh, but it is real and can be relied upon to always be truthful.  Retreat too far into imagination and you never really know what's what.

Reality is bitch-slapping me in the face and telling me to make a damn plan already.  So, here is the plan:
1.  Checking in online 2-3xs per week (so far, check!)
2.  Food diary.  I truly TRULY hate this step, but I know that it is the best way to stay real about what I'm eating and how it's affecting my mood and my weight.  I'm taking inspiration from blogger TinaM, who records her food almost religiously.
3-4.  Make plans and stay busy (I know that it's 2 things--just consider this a combo-plate).  My family did a wonderful job of listening to me and got me things to use, instead of just stuff.  I got a gift of weekly Pilates from my parents, my brother and sister-in-law got me classes at a local cooking school (for a knife skills class--be very afraid!), and I have 3 Groupons that I bought--yoga classes, knitting classes, and Zumba classes.  I just have to figure out how to schedule it all, and I know it sounds overwhelming, but I need to have plans and I need to stay busy.  Otherwise I end up as a lump on the sofa, eating as many carb-tastic things as I can.
5.  Find a better way to plan and eat meals.  There are way too many good sites with recipes for post-surgery folks (and those that otherwise need healthy meals), and I need to utilize them.  Maybe I'll blog for a week of Cooking Adventures.  Especially once I've gotten in my knife skills class!

I can think of a lot more things that I should be doing, but frankly I can only concentrate on so many things at one time (the gift of ADD--just keeps on giving and....wait, what was I talking about?).

What is your New Year's Plan?  (I just can't bring myself to say resolution, since the resolution ship sailed on the day I decided to have surgery).  Tell me in the comments what you're looking forward to or planning for 2011....

It's been ages, I know...

So, the minute I posted about how I'm amazed that I stuck with this blog so long I hit a little speedbump.  I just have not been able to really go online since Thanksgiving--lack of focus, lack of motivation--basically there has been no lack of lack-age.  And today I had to stay home to work on a cold that I've had coming on for a couple of days, so I'm forcing myself to go online and post a little.  And in my cold medicated-induced state, I think I need to refer to my inner Yoda, who is repetitive, extraordinarily irritating, and speaks backward as a rule.  But I keep hearing, "Online you should go.  Blog you shall.  There is no try, only DO."  Damn that little green dude.

Let's summarize the problem:
I can eat more.  This is not such a good thing.  At the end of one year post-surgery, most people have lost about 75-80% of their excess weight.  According to my doctor, my excess was around 190-200 lbs, so by January 21 I should be down about 160 lbs.  I'm still hovering between a loss of 145-150.  I know my size has changed a little and I'm now fitting into size 18 jeans, and I think my upper half is between a 16 and an 18.  But the weight is a bit stuck, and I'm pretty sure it's my fault.  I really need to step up my exercise (like, a lot) and stick closely to the rules.  I know I'm eating too much, and I'm having a really hard time stopping when I'm supposed to.  So yeah, I'm freaking out.  I feel like I lost my momentum and don't know how to get it back.

About there my little inner Yoda starts yelling, "Back to basics you should go, young Bariatric Babe-walker!  Yell I must to get through to your stubborn self!"  And for a while I've been telling that imaginary inner-muppet to take a long walk into a dark cave (or some other similar trademarked Jedi thingy that basically means, "get stuffed.")

But now it's time to figure out what I want to do from here, and start taking steps to get there.  What better time than the first of the year?  I hear the clock ticking and the ball dropping and I'm ready to see that same downward movement on the scale.  So I have to set a goal, which is like pulling eye teeth to me, and this is as good a place to start as any.

I don't feel ready to set an actual goal.  So instead, I'll just make myself a new commitment to getting back in touch with the weight loss community by blogging, by reading blogs written by others who are in the process of losing weight, and by revisiting all the bariatric sites with their tips and such.  At least 2-3 times each week.

So I'm saving the recap of my holiday experiences as a first-time bariatric patient for my next post, to come in a day or two.  In the meantime, feel free to tell me in the comments what goals you're setting for yourself this year...