Bariatric surgery stream of consciousness

I didn't really know what to write about, but I keep having people tell me it's been too long since I've updated.  So I'm going with a stream of consciousness thing.  Let's try the "Good news, Bad news" thing.

Bad News (let's get it out of the way)

• I've been off-program.  REALLY off-program.  I haven't been working out, and I've been grazing in the evenings instead of eating my meal and then stopping (this, by the way, is the surest way to failure after surgery).  I couldn't figure out what had changed until clumps of hair started falling out again.  Ta-DA!  My thyroid is extremely low (for me), which translates to weight gain and extreme tiredness (which then translates to skipping the gym and eating continually to keep your energy level up).  Now that we know what's going on and have adjusted my thyroid dose, I've started working out again, feeling better, and slowed down the grazing.  But I still have work to do on the eating thing.
• My weight is not changing.  The doctor took out about 12lbs of fat, and I weigh the same now as before surgery.  Some of it is still swelling, I'm sure, but I also think my thyroid hiccup and the resulting changes is a big part of that.
• My cravings have come back.  The doctor told me this would happen eventually.  I hate it when other people are more right than me.  I do know that if I can kick the carbs completely for about a week that the cravings will subside (although not disappear completely).  But it truly is a miserable thing to do.  Think about all the movies you've seen about people going cold-turkey off drugs.  That's what it feels like to quit carbs--it ain't fun.  But you do feel better afterwards, and you find that you don't have the same cravings, or that they are more manageable.

Good news:

• Pilates (with a one-on-one trainer) has been an absolute god-send for me.  Not the mat-based pilates that you see at the gym or on workout videos.  That crap is HARD.  But the real thing, on the real machines (that look like torture devices), with a real instructor guiding you along so you don't hurt yourself.  See, when you do it on your own, with just a mat, you have to use your body weight for resistance.  On the machines, they take away some of that resistance so you can still do the same moves, but more easily (and less likely to hurt yourself).  I find I look taller and leaner, and I love the concentration it requires.  It's helped me rehab my knee and get my muscle tone back in my legs.  It's helped my feet and ankles, which has re-trained the way I walk.  If you can afford it, I highly recommend it.
• I am still enormously lucky.  I have a supportive family who loves me, and who is willing to help me along every step of this process.  A big part of that is the financial assistance, which I don't know if I'd have been able to get the quality surgery that I had.  My insurance company, that starts with a K and means a German General, had approved me for surgery with a waiting list of 1 year.  They also were not designated a Center for Bariatric Excellence at the time (although they are now), and that was a big deal to me.  So I was able to go the self-pay route with the best doctor in the area because of the help from my family.  They also helped cover my other bills when I was off-work (with no salary) during recovery, and who is helping me with the surgical "business."  And, to boot, they are loving and supportive, and just generally good people with good humor.  Yes.  I am seriously the luckiest person I know, and I don't take it for granted.

Think of your own "good news bad news" list.  It helps me to get perspective, and might do the same for you.  

Upcoming surgery...

Folks, it's been a long time.  I've been avoiding again, and drifting into Babe-land.  I've had a lot of emotional stuff coming up, and I've been trying to find ways of dealing by distraction.  Sometimes it's overeating, or unconscious eating, sometimes it's just staying too active to think.  Only one of those is actually productive to becoming the person I want to be, but they are all distracting me from the real stuff going on.

Here's the thing.  I have what I like to refer to as "The Business."  When I mention this phrase, it comes complete with a gesture where I indicate the area I'm referring to with what roughly looks like I'm rubbing a budda belly.  Only the gesture covers from the top of my belly to the top of my thighs--the area where The Business is taking up unwanted residence.

See, many people with massive weight loss develop what's called a "pannus" after surgery, which is a hanging belly consisting of hanging skin and (frequently) a stubbon fat pad.  I'm lucky in that I have only a little of that going on.  It's irritating, but not the end of the world.  The main issue I have is that same phenomenon happening in the pubic area.  It's embarrassing, disturbing, restrictive, and humiliating.  Hence the more innocuous and inarticulate term, "The Business." 

Despite the weight loss I find my movement is very restricted by it.  I can't really cross my legs, or keep my legs together very well.  I don't wear pants that fit because I'm too worried it will look like I'm smuggling a fighting chihuahua in the crotch.  I'm stumped on how to "spot reduce"--there are no machines at the gym that really target that area, you know?

So I consulted with a plastic surgeon.  I didn't know if there was anything that could be done to solve this issue for right now, with the expectation that somewhere down the road I'll be addressing a tummy tuck and skin removal, maybe take care of the extra skin under the arm, and put my boobular area back to where nature intended.  For all of that, I want to be much closer to my goal.  But this issue just cannot wait. 

At the surgeon's, I found out it's a combination of a fat pad that is very stubborn and resistant to weight loss, and the loosening of the skin after massive weight loss.  And yea, nothing but surgery can fix it.

So at the end of the month I, The Babe, am going in for liposuction.

That is really hard to say.  I tell people it's the first step in the surgery to remove skin and such, which it technically is.  But to tell people I'm having lipo sounds like I'm some vain rich lady who is trying to get rid of her last 10 "vanity" pounds without giving up her expensive wine habit or (gasp!) sweating.  It makes me feel like I'm being ridiculous; like I should be content with having just lost 155-160 pounds and not worry about how I look.  Like I'm self-centered and awful.  And on top of that, it is a big chunk of money that I don't really have, but that my parents are willing to spend, and so I feel like a huge spoiled brat who is taking advantage of their hard work and savings.

But it's also that I've worked really hard to lose weight, and I deserve to wear a pair of pants that fit in something other than black.  It's that this is a problem that cannot be fixed by eating less and exercising more.  And that I am the luckiest person in the world to have parents who worked hard all their lives so that they could afford to do things for their kids that will change their lives for the better.

So this is a very emotional decision for me, mixed with happiness, excitement, guilt, worry, vanity, and everything else you can think of.  And what fat people do when they are overwhelmed with emotion is eat.

So my best solution, both for my health and my weight loss, is to come to terms with the emotions this stirs up, get into the reality of the situation, and allow my eating to fall back into the pattern of 80-90% protein, some fruits and veggies, very few other carbs, eating small portions, and eating consciously.  I've given myself a full 2 weeks for the freak-out, and now it's time to touch base and get back to the New Normal of caring for my body and my self.

Wish me luck...

1 year after gastric bypass...what I've learned (so far)

One year ago, yesterday, I had a gastric bypass.  I started out at 353 lbs, and a size 30/32.  I couldn't walk with out major lower back pain--to the point that getting from my car to my house might as well have been a marathon.  I didn't travel because I couldn't fit into the airline seats (if I didn't collapse from pain just trying to GET to the plane).  I could (and did) eat a whole pizza in an evening.  I knew that I did not have a diet left in me, and I knew that I was dying a whole lot quicker than a 36-year old should be.

What a difference a year makes.

I'm down 155 lbs., to about 198 (194 according to my Wii, and 202 according to my scale, so I'm splitting the difference).  I wear a size 18.  I don't have lower back pain, and I don't even think about how far I have to walk (except when it's really cold, raining, or snowing) to get to my front door.  I fit in an airline seat and I can even lower the tray table.  I don't eat pizza (tomato sauce tastes funny to me now).  I work out now, and my life expectancy is much closer to normal.

It's like getting a second chance.

Now, I don't recommend this path for everyone.  While I've reaped a lot of benefits so far, I am concerned about what this will look like in another 5 or 10 years.  I've seen a lot of post-ops regain a lot of the weight they lost (factoring in the 10% regain that is normal).  I've heard of a lot of people who have permanent problems, from severe nutritional deficiencies to major issues getting sick on everyday food.  I know visits to the doctor or ER will always create problems for me, and that I have to watch those treating me like a hawk so that they don't accidentally give me ibuprofen or sugar popsicles.

But I'm one of the lucky ones, so far. 

Last night, I went out with a group of friends to celebrate.  We went to dinner, then for fro-yo, and then back to my house for a Wii dance-party.  I can't remember the last time I had so much fun, or felt so much joy for just being.  I'd forgotten how much I love being around people, doing things, and just participating in my own life.  See how happy I look (I'm in the middle)!

I updated my photo in the left side, as well.  It's a picture of me standing in the same spot as 1 year before.  Now you can actually see the door frame behind me!  As I was editing the blog page to add the photo, I noticed in my self description that if I were to be in a sitcom, I would be "The Wacky Neighbor."  Still true (I am a bit wacky and tend to make an entrance by falling into the room), but now I'm starting to feel a little like the Leading Lady.  Maybe by this time next year, I'll manage to transition to being the Star of my own show.

Stay tuned to this channel to see it evolve...

Gastric Bypass "surgiversary" is almost here.

Yup.  This Friday will be one year since I had the Roux-en-Y gastric bypass at Rose Medical Center with Dr. Michael Snyder.

It's an exciting date, but one filled with mixed emotions.  Excitement, anxiety, happiness, sadness--you name it, I've got it.

My goal was to reach the 100's mark (known in the bariatric community as "one-derland") by the one-year mark.  According to my Wii Fit scale, I'm in the right area, fluctuating between 198 and 202. According to my other scale I haven't, saying I'm fluctuating between 202 and 206.  My other scale can suck my big toe. Either way, I think I'm in the right place, even if it's not quite exact.

The hitch in my giddyup to congratulate myself, however, is all because I made the mistake of reading an article that stated bariatric patients will have lost 80% of their excess weight within the first year.  According to my doctor, I was about 200 lbs in excess of my ideal weight.  80% of that (hey, math!) is 160 lbs.  160.  Not the 150-and-change that I've lost.    It shouldn't be such a big deal right?  I'm close, right? 

Here's the thing.  I started out as a rock-star, losing almost 100 pounds in the first 4-5 months after surgery.  I was a weight-losing wunderkind.  Then things started to slow down, considerably.  It's taken me 7-8 months to lose the next 50 pounds, so I'm no longer at rock-star status.  To go from rock-star to not-even-quite average is hitting me hard. 

I guess the light at the end of the obsession tunnel is that it is a good reality check for me.  I've started to recognize that I've let myself wander off the path of what I'm supposed to be doing far too often.  I eat sugar occasionally.  I let myself have carbs.  I choose the protein bar that tastes better (which for protein bars meas that they taste less ass-like) instead of the protein bar with the least carbs/sugar and highest protein.   I often justify it with "I want to have a life and not let the weight loss prevent me from having things I love."  Which is good when it's once a week because it keeps me balanced and lets me enjoy life.  More than once a week, though, and it truly is the old fat me just trying to justify having whatever I want, whenever I want it.  The fact that I'm not losing at a decent pace is a sign that I'm living in "Babe-land" instead of reality again.

So here's the thing.  I have to remind myself that I have limitations--ones I chose to put upon myself so I can lose weight and live a real life.  I have to remind myself that the old food-addict is still there, ready to come out, and that I'm not done with making changes to my brain.  That the next year is going to be harder, but that this past year has helped me train for the struggles ahead. 

In thinking all of this through today, it made me realize that I need to mark this occasion with a congratulations for what I HAVE acheived (even if it's not perfect).  I particularly want to make it a day of gratitude for what I have, that I was given the chance to make these changes, and for the people in my life who have been so supportive (and who I will probably need over the next year to continue to support me).  So decided to have a little party in my own honor--nothing big except a dinner out (to somewhere with a delicious buffalo-style grilled chicken breast that I've been obsessed with lately), a sugar-free dessert (that I'm making), and some fun activities (bowling, karaoke, or Wii Dance Party--the decision is still up in the air).  

Of course there are lots of people long-distance I would love to include--all my readers here included--but instead I will just send and post pictures here.  Consider yourselves on the inside, because just having regular followers and reading your comments has been a major source of support for me.  Thank you all!

Post #100!

That's right, peeps.  It's my 100th post.  Weird, right?  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a "stick-to-it" kind of girl.  I'm more of an idea gal, and it's best if someone else does all the details and followup.

But it's been a year and a half, and I have 100 posts to show for it.  When I started, it was May of 2009.  I was still trying to do Weight Watchers and hadn't even gone to the seminar on bariatric surgery.  I knew change was imminent, but I didn't know how or why.  I was miserable, and couldn't walk from my house to my car without having to stop and rest at the bottom of my stairs.  I had full-blown sleep apnea, and weighed 353 pounds (give or take a few).  I wore a size 30/32 shirt--on my thinnest days (I don't even know my pants size because I just kept wearing my 26/28 until they stretched to fit).

In November 2009, I went to the bariatric seminar given by my surgeon to educate people on surgical options and to help them decide if it's right for them.  It's been a year since I decided to have the surgery, and so far I'm so glad I did (recap alert!):
1.  I survived 2 major surgeries, 2 strictures, 3 ER visits, 9 days and 8 crazy nights in the hospital, all with my good humor intact (mostly).
2.  I can walk to and from my car without even thinking.  Hell, I went hiking on a mountain, cardio-kickboxed, pilates-ed, elliptical-ized and can even go up and down stairs.
3.  I am 5 pounds shy of having lost the equivalent weight of my entire mother.  Soaking wet and wearing shoes.
4.  I had to give away my "skinny" clothes because they were too big, and I shopped and actually bought clothes in a store that sells regular sizes.
5.  My surgeon didn't recognize me until I told him that I was "the one with the NG tube who you told was going back into surgery if I had gone one more day with a swollen-shut pouch." (he remembered that!)
6.  I have spent more on my medical condition this year to date than I made in a year at my first HR job.  And if you include all the expenses of weird, high-protein food, vitamins, new clothes, pilates classes, gym memberships, and special "hair-loss" shampoos, I've spent more this year to date than I made when as a regional HR manager.

It's a hell of a lot to pack into 100 measly little posts.  But here is what I'm hoping in the next 100:
1.  Buy all my clothes at a store that is not exclusive to plus sizes.
2.  Lose 34 more pounds, which will make me "overweight" instead of obese.  If I really want to shoot for the moon, I'll lose 64 pounds, which would put me at "normal."  That is absolutely unimaginable to me.
3.  Try more fun exercise stuff--Zumba, Hot or Core Power Yoga, ride a bike--outside, Boot camp (well, maybe not that one, that doesn't sound like fun).
4.  Look into and possibly start the process of surgical skin removal and a tummy tuck.
5.  Sit in an airline seat WITH the tray table in it's non-upright position (and not resting on my belly, either).
6.  Ride a roller coaster.  Or not.  But just to at least have the option.
7.  Date.  Someone.  Anyone.  Preferably a dude (nothing against the ladies!).
8.  Be able to travel.
9.  Ride a horse.  Or a cowboy (see #7).  Whatever.
10.  Wear an inappropriately sexy Halloween costume.  Maybe just in the dressing room, but still!
 Probably a whole lot more stuff that I can't even think of right now.  But the possibilities are out there!

Just to close this one out, I thought I'd leave you with a little glimpse of what I see now when I look down.  It still surprises me (especially that I fit into these cute new tights!), and I'm wondering when I'll stop being amazed that this is me...

I can do anything good! Yea yea yea yea!

So, I found this show called Tosh.0 on Comedy Central, and it's given me some really funny links that I've been enjoying.  I'm dedicating this week to "Cool stuff that is on the internet."

Today's example is a positive affirmation if I've ever seen one.  Although I sometimes now look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I'm doing great!  I look so thin and healthy today!" it happens just as often that I look in the mirror and think, "My god, but my stomach is the size of Cincinnati!"  So I'm taking a page from little Jessica's book here and trying to eliminate those kinds of negative thoughts.  It's really hard when nothing you own fits, when you take your measurements and find out that your bust is only one inch larger than your waist (with your hips taking the lead at 1 additional inch), when your hair is falling out by the fistful and when all you can see is excess skin.  But if some little girl can figure it out, I suppose I can too.  Enjoy (and practice!)

New! Post-Gastric Bypass Pics, and a great link

I finally found the cord for my camera so I can download my most recent pictures, and you are about to benefit.

Before I get into the story, though, I want to post a link that really resonated with me.  It is from a blogger "Shrinking Blubeary," and if you have ever been overweight, if you are overweight now, or if you're in the process of losing weight, you must go read it.  It's about "The Old You,"  you know, the one you beat up and hate because she/he is (or was) so fat.  When you finish reading, give your own "Old You" some love...she/he got you to where you are today.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled silliness.

So I mentioned before that I went hiking.  In the wilderness.  Up hills with rocks and gravel on them (and in my shoes).  With bugs.  Oh, and there were signs warning us against falling rocks, loose footing, mountain lions, pumas, and other assorted nasties.  OK, I did make up the one about pumas, but the others are all too real.

Anyway, one of my best friends and favorite people JulieBeth* was in town from Chicago, and she was very sick with Colorado Fever, which includes the strong and sudden desire to do nature-y type things out in the sunshine.  Usually I would beg out in favor of a mall (see previous post), but I decided that I was game.  Check me out...

This is very much a posed shot with me doing a great simulation of "Adventurous Babe."  We weren't actually in the rocks, but it was a hill/small mountain, and we did do the entire trail.  And I know the hat is goofy, but the sun here is way too strong for me (I had skin cancer before I even turned 30 so I'm extra-cautious) so fashion be damned.

When we got to the top of the trail, the view was beautiful (despite the recent wildfires) and made the hot sun and the fear of carnivorous beasties it worth it.  JB and I high fived and rested on a bench to admire the view.  When we got back to the end of the trail, all I could think of was, "I freakin' did it,"  which is a segment on Bariatric TV of post-ops that achieved something they could never do before.  Maybe I'll even submit it for their show.

And yes, I do look at that picture and think, "I've lost an entire person, and yet I still have an enormous belly and a double-chin," I also think, "Wow, what a difference.  I would never have even tried this before!  I wonder what else I'll be able to do when more weight starts to come off?"

We must revel in those moments of success, of feeling powerful and alive, and then tap back into them on those days when everything is hard and your pant size is getting you down.  Remembering your milestones and planning for new ones is a great way to tell your self-doubt and critical voice to "take a hike."** 

*Thank you to JulieBeth for asking me to go with her, for believing in me, for not getting impatient with my slowness, and for the high five.  If only Chicago was closer to Denver...
**I really do apologize for the painful pun.  Alas, I cannot promise that it won't happen again. 

Head and body--reaching a detente?

One of the things I hear over and over is that weight loss surgery is on your body--not your head, and if you don't take care of the issues that made you overweight in the first place you will not be successful in the long term.  So I'm really trying to examine what it is that drove me to overeat.

The answer very frequently comes down to avoiding negative feelings. 

I was diagnosed as Bipolar type 2 in 2001 (yes, it's different than regular Bipolar or Manic Depression as it is mostly on the depressive side, with an occasional side of hyper and, for me, anxiety).  I consider myself lucky, as it is pretty mild--to the point that only my very closest friends knew that I had issues.  I was REALLY good at hiding it at work and to casual friends.  I developed a whole set of coping skills that consisted of me hiding whatever emotional state I was in.

Turns out, that's not a great idea.  1.  It means you are a lot harder to diagnose, and less likely to get the problem addressed.  2.  It means that your state of life requires hiding who you really are, and how you really feel, which becomes a huge hit to your self-esteem.  3.  It means that you have to find a way to cope with the dichotomy.  For me, it was food.  I regulated my emotions with lots of carbs (found out later that carbs boost serotonin as well as your fat cells), with sugar, and with fat.  All of those things, in mass quantities (which I also hid from the world, for a long time anyway), are really effective in blocking out your feelings.  Temporarily.  But they tend to rear their ugly heads eventually--in the form of 350 pounds.

I knew that after surgery I would have a lot of emotional work to do, and that I would have a hard time letting go of the food.  There have been times that I had a whole meal of just bread.  There have been times that I overate to the point that I thought I would die from the pain.  To me, these are the limits that I knew I would have to test, and that I need to learn from--quickly. 

And for the most part, I have.  I get a "cheat meal" each week, and then I go back to high protein, low carb and lower fat foods the rest of the time.   That means that when I get into emotional trouble now, I don't have my default coping mechanism of stuffing my feelings down by stuffing down food.  Angry, sad, lonely happens to everyone, but it feels to me like I get them stronger.  Not only because I have a tendency to intense feelings, but because when you don't express them they build up and get out of control.

The funny thing is that I've figured out that the best way to express and work out these negative feelings is body-based.  I always thought that the depression, bad feelings, and loneliness were thoughts and feelings in my head and the only way to get them out was to use my head (agonizing about everything) or my belly (filling it up until I was numbed by the serotonin).  I try to do pilates, meditation, and body movement to get rid of and deal with stress better.  I make myself "play dates" to keep from being too lonely.  I take deep breaths whenever I can.  I take a bubble bath, or clean out my closet of clothes that don't fit. 

All of them lean to the physical realm.  And I'm finding that  a lot of these things can help regulate those uncomfortable feelings.  I'll admit that it's not as easy and fast as pizza, and that there are times I forget, and that it's really hard.  I'm hoping to eventually come to a truce between my head, my heart and my body.  Right now, they are all in talks (see how political I am?).  There are occasional outbursts, but it doesn't seem to be a full-out war anymore--it's more of a Switzerland-type state of neutrality.

Honestly I don't think that I will ever win the war, but if a detente is enough to bring the Cold War up to a comfortable room-temperature, I'll take it.



So it seems like there

Sunshine, rainbows, and a leopard-print bra

Sure, of course they are related!

Weight loss is really hard.  I've stalled out, and I get frustrated.  I'm realizing how difficult it is for me to be by myself, and how lonely I feel without my friends pizza and garlic bread.  Somedays it is almost unbearable.

Even though I had an employee in a terrible Worker's Comp accident and another employee that I had to use my broken-record means of discipline (where I say the same thing over and over until they either get it or they are so sick of me they storm out of the room/hang up--isn't HR fun!?), I ended up with a super-fabulous day. 

1.  I got a surprise package from my parents--a new low-carb cookbook (by Dana Carpenter, who is supposed to be the low-carb recipe guru...I'll let you know), and an instant-read thermometer (so that I can stop overcooking my chicken to the point of inedible leathery strings of protein).  Why did I get a gift?  Don't know.  The message in the box simply said that the Parents are proud of me.  Aw, shucks.

2.  I got a really cool card from my friend, the Jabulish (she both Jewish and fabulous, so I think the name fits).  It was just a no reason, thanks for being my friend card.  I needed to hear that, and I love getting things with actual postage.

3.  I went to a Layne Bryant event to get workout wear that fits, and they were having an in-store drawing.  I heard them announce it from the dressing room, and I went flying out--clothing slightly asunder--to put my name in the hat just before she drew the winning ticket.  And, of course, it was my name.  Let me tell you there were some large and lovely ladies who were shooting me daggers with their eyes (although I can't blame them on this one).  So, I got a free bra, which I desperately need (and which all the Layne Bryant shoppers could figure out when I ran out of the dressing room still buttoning a shirt).  And I got to pick my own.  In leopard print.  Because there is just something fabulous about winning a practical item that is also just a little bit of fun.

So between having amazing parents, wonderful friends, and a new leopard-print bra, I figure that I am one lucky b*tch.  For a small fee, I'll let you rub my belly like a Buddha for luck.

Attitude of gratitude

This morning, I had my last pre-paid Pilates class, and I really do like it.  I'm trying to figure out a way to pay for more sessions, as I think it really helps get me in touch with my body as it's changing post-bariatric surgery. 

On the way home, I was overwhelmed by a sense of how grateful I am for so much in my life.  It's easy to get caught up in the number on the scale (which hasn't changed more than a pound or two in the last month and a half!), or a still-bulging belly, or how hard it is to eat differently.  I feel compelled to wear my "before" picture on my shirt so that people can see, saying, "Yeah, I'm still fat, but look how far I've come!"  I even find myself comparing how much I've lost to other people who have gone through gastric bypass--have I lost more than them, or more quickly, or am I on track?  I wonder if I could have started exercising earlier how much more I would have lost by now.  I worry that because I ate some croutons yesterday that I'm blowing my chance to lose more weight and get to my goal.

I've been doing a lot of beating myself up lately for all of this, and this morning I just took a breath and realized I need to concentrate more on the positives (I think the Pilates reminded me of this).  For me that starts with being grateful.  So it was time to check in with my center of gratitude and fill it up.

I am so grateful:
*That my parents support me, both in paying for the surgery and for the moral and physical support following it.  Yeah for Mom and Dad!  You guys rock!
*For my job.  I have wonderful people I work with, and they are very understanding.  How many bosses have you had that tell you to take time off?  And I also know that with this economy, I'm lucky to be employed.
*For Sophie the cat, aka. The Beast.  She keeps me company and reminds me to be less self-centered.
*For my friend Goldilocks, who reminds me to go to the gym, who keeps me company there, and who even slows herself to be patient with me and my physical limitations.
*For my body.  As much as I resent it, and tell it how ugly it is, it still gets me around.  It's easy to forget how wonderful your body is when you focus on how it looks and not how it feels.  And I need to continually remind myself how I couldn't walk without pain, or go to restaurants with booths, or go swimming.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm meeting with a friend to eat some low-cal Japanese food for lunch and then walk the mall, so I gots to go. 

What are you grateful for?