Upcoming surgery...

Folks, it's been a long time.  I've been avoiding again, and drifting into Babe-land.  I've had a lot of emotional stuff coming up, and I've been trying to find ways of dealing by distraction.  Sometimes it's overeating, or unconscious eating, sometimes it's just staying too active to think.  Only one of those is actually productive to becoming the person I want to be, but they are all distracting me from the real stuff going on.

Here's the thing.  I have what I like to refer to as "The Business."  When I mention this phrase, it comes complete with a gesture where I indicate the area I'm referring to with what roughly looks like I'm rubbing a budda belly.  Only the gesture covers from the top of my belly to the top of my thighs--the area where The Business is taking up unwanted residence.

See, many people with massive weight loss develop what's called a "pannus" after surgery, which is a hanging belly consisting of hanging skin and (frequently) a stubbon fat pad.  I'm lucky in that I have only a little of that going on.  It's irritating, but not the end of the world.  The main issue I have is that same phenomenon happening in the pubic area.  It's embarrassing, disturbing, restrictive, and humiliating.  Hence the more innocuous and inarticulate term, "The Business." 

Despite the weight loss I find my movement is very restricted by it.  I can't really cross my legs, or keep my legs together very well.  I don't wear pants that fit because I'm too worried it will look like I'm smuggling a fighting chihuahua in the crotch.  I'm stumped on how to "spot reduce"--there are no machines at the gym that really target that area, you know?

So I consulted with a plastic surgeon.  I didn't know if there was anything that could be done to solve this issue for right now, with the expectation that somewhere down the road I'll be addressing a tummy tuck and skin removal, maybe take care of the extra skin under the arm, and put my boobular area back to where nature intended.  For all of that, I want to be much closer to my goal.  But this issue just cannot wait. 

At the surgeon's, I found out it's a combination of a fat pad that is very stubborn and resistant to weight loss, and the loosening of the skin after massive weight loss.  And yea, nothing but surgery can fix it.

So at the end of the month I, The Babe, am going in for liposuction.

That is really hard to say.  I tell people it's the first step in the surgery to remove skin and such, which it technically is.  But to tell people I'm having lipo sounds like I'm some vain rich lady who is trying to get rid of her last 10 "vanity" pounds without giving up her expensive wine habit or (gasp!) sweating.  It makes me feel like I'm being ridiculous; like I should be content with having just lost 155-160 pounds and not worry about how I look.  Like I'm self-centered and awful.  And on top of that, it is a big chunk of money that I don't really have, but that my parents are willing to spend, and so I feel like a huge spoiled brat who is taking advantage of their hard work and savings.

But it's also that I've worked really hard to lose weight, and I deserve to wear a pair of pants that fit in something other than black.  It's that this is a problem that cannot be fixed by eating less and exercising more.  And that I am the luckiest person in the world to have parents who worked hard all their lives so that they could afford to do things for their kids that will change their lives for the better.

So this is a very emotional decision for me, mixed with happiness, excitement, guilt, worry, vanity, and everything else you can think of.  And what fat people do when they are overwhelmed with emotion is eat.

So my best solution, both for my health and my weight loss, is to come to terms with the emotions this stirs up, get into the reality of the situation, and allow my eating to fall back into the pattern of 80-90% protein, some fruits and veggies, very few other carbs, eating small portions, and eating consciously.  I've given myself a full 2 weeks for the freak-out, and now it's time to touch base and get back to the New Normal of caring for my body and my self.

Wish me luck...

Post #100!

That's right, peeps.  It's my 100th post.  Weird, right?  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a "stick-to-it" kind of girl.  I'm more of an idea gal, and it's best if someone else does all the details and followup.

But it's been a year and a half, and I have 100 posts to show for it.  When I started, it was May of 2009.  I was still trying to do Weight Watchers and hadn't even gone to the seminar on bariatric surgery.  I knew change was imminent, but I didn't know how or why.  I was miserable, and couldn't walk from my house to my car without having to stop and rest at the bottom of my stairs.  I had full-blown sleep apnea, and weighed 353 pounds (give or take a few).  I wore a size 30/32 shirt--on my thinnest days (I don't even know my pants size because I just kept wearing my 26/28 until they stretched to fit).

In November 2009, I went to the bariatric seminar given by my surgeon to educate people on surgical options and to help them decide if it's right for them.  It's been a year since I decided to have the surgery, and so far I'm so glad I did (recap alert!):
1.  I survived 2 major surgeries, 2 strictures, 3 ER visits, 9 days and 8 crazy nights in the hospital, all with my good humor intact (mostly).
2.  I can walk to and from my car without even thinking.  Hell, I went hiking on a mountain, cardio-kickboxed, pilates-ed, elliptical-ized and can even go up and down stairs.
3.  I am 5 pounds shy of having lost the equivalent weight of my entire mother.  Soaking wet and wearing shoes.
4.  I had to give away my "skinny" clothes because they were too big, and I shopped and actually bought clothes in a store that sells regular sizes.
5.  My surgeon didn't recognize me until I told him that I was "the one with the NG tube who you told was going back into surgery if I had gone one more day with a swollen-shut pouch." (he remembered that!)
6.  I have spent more on my medical condition this year to date than I made in a year at my first HR job.  And if you include all the expenses of weird, high-protein food, vitamins, new clothes, pilates classes, gym memberships, and special "hair-loss" shampoos, I've spent more this year to date than I made when as a regional HR manager.

It's a hell of a lot to pack into 100 measly little posts.  But here is what I'm hoping in the next 100:
1.  Buy all my clothes at a store that is not exclusive to plus sizes.
2.  Lose 34 more pounds, which will make me "overweight" instead of obese.  If I really want to shoot for the moon, I'll lose 64 pounds, which would put me at "normal."  That is absolutely unimaginable to me.
3.  Try more fun exercise stuff--Zumba, Hot or Core Power Yoga, ride a bike--outside, Boot camp (well, maybe not that one, that doesn't sound like fun).
4.  Look into and possibly start the process of surgical skin removal and a tummy tuck.
5.  Sit in an airline seat WITH the tray table in it's non-upright position (and not resting on my belly, either).
6.  Ride a roller coaster.  Or not.  But just to at least have the option.
7.  Date.  Someone.  Anyone.  Preferably a dude (nothing against the ladies!).
8.  Be able to travel.
9.  Ride a horse.  Or a cowboy (see #7).  Whatever.
10.  Wear an inappropriately sexy Halloween costume.  Maybe just in the dressing room, but still!
 Probably a whole lot more stuff that I can't even think of right now.  But the possibilities are out there!

Just to close this one out, I thought I'd leave you with a little glimpse of what I see now when I look down.  It still surprises me (especially that I fit into these cute new tights!), and I'm wondering when I'll stop being amazed that this is me...

The Magical Mysticism of a Bariatric Post-Op

Today was a good day.  I was going to meet Goldilocks for a workout this morning (we were actually going to attempt a Zumba class), but she was too sick to go God intervened in order to prevent me from subjecting my spastic, flailing dance-style to the world.  So I decided to cash in a bunch of freebies I had--a free fresh face mask from LUSH in exchange for 5 recycled empties, and a gift set of spices from Penzy's in exchange for the bitchin' coupon I got.  This meant a brief road trip to Boulder, CO, since the closest LUSH is there and the new Penzy's is right next door.

For those of you not local (i.e. 95% of you), Boulder is a unique and beautiful town in the foothills of the Rockies:  home of great beer, the University, and a bunch of weirdos.  No seriously--they are now marketing the city as the "Republic of Boulder" in homage to the very strange political (and non-political) people who live there.  In other words, everyone is respected and valued for their differences, unless your name is Bill (O'Reilly), Anne (Coulter), or Rush (this one should be obvious).  Lots of free-thinkers, hippie throw-backs, street performers, and the people who love them congregate there.  This leads to what I think is truly The Best People Watching in Colorado (without having to drive up to Aspen).  On this trip I saw tap dancers perform, a string quartet, a man fit his entire body into a small, clear, lucite box, a woman who looked like a 1950's Rockabilly pin-up calendar, and a homeless man with a sign that said, "Please give generously--I need gas for my spaceship."  So it was free beauty products, kitchen gear, AND a show! 

In homage of my fun and spontaneous trip to the land of weird, I decided a themed post of the Sideshow Freak was in order.  So here you are...Welcome to the weird, wonderful world of the Post Weight Loss Surgery Woman! 

*MEET* the woman with 2 stomachs!
*SEE* the Rapidly Shrinking Belly Dance turn into the Smaller but Not Going Anywhere Belly Monument!
*WATCH* as her chins (and boobs) are lost to the Other Realm!
*MARVEL* at the fact that her current weight is actually 1 pound lower than what her drivers' license says it is!
*HEAR* her upper arms flap as the loose skin gets looser!
*AVERT YOUR EYES* as she actually "pants" herself without unbuttoning them.  And they are NOT stretchy pants, but actual DENIM!

Well, that was fun, wasn't it?  I do sometimes feel like a bit of "surgically altered freak" (borrowed phrase from the Bariatric TV gang), so I guess it's fitting.  Unlike my jeans, which I really can take off now without unbuttoning them.

It puts the lotion on its skin...

Creepy (but so funny out of context).

I just wanted to answer Miss Tina M, who asked about lotions.  If you go to Sephora, or Nordstrom, or Ulta, or any other place that sells lotions and potions (and I do love them so...but that is for another day), they will tell you that lotions will help with sagging skin.  They say it increases circulation and diminishes cellulite, and that it does just about everything for you except wash your dishes and give you an orgasm (well, unless you are using the lotion in a VERY different way).  They will sing promises and dance dances of mighty lotions that will turn you into a slender, gazelle-like creature with big boobs, big eyes, a round bum, and a flat tummy. 

*They LIE.*  That's right, like sleeping dogs, like a braided rug, like Tiger Woods in front of a microphone.  You can pretty much bet that if it's on the back of the tube, or in a glossy ad featuring an already-thin woman, that it is not entirely true.

What you can do is maximize what you have.  Stay out of the sun, drink lots of water, eliminate caffeine (in beverages only, however, because studies have shown that lotion with caffeine has a slight, and temporary, tightening effect).  Get a faux tan, because it will make stretch marks and wrinkly skin less apparent.  Work out regularly and build your muscles to help fill out the skin a bit.  Exfoliate to increase your circulation, and indulge on a massage occasionally for the same reason.  Hydrated skin is healthy skin, so use moisturizer liberally.

But stay realistic.  While all of these things will help slightly, they won't fix the shriveled balloon appearance of someone whose lost the equivalent of an Olson twin.  Your skin has only so much elasticity, and can only recover so much.  If I had stopped losing at 90 lbs, I would have no problems at all.  It was at about 115 lbs that I really started noticing it.  And I have REALLY good skin.  I've seen some people lose half of what I have that are as withered as a raisin.  What you end up with is a product of genetics, how much weight you had to lose, how quickly you lose it, and how badly stretched your skin was to start with.

I suggest getting yourself a drug-store brand (Nivea, Aveeno and Neutrogena are consistently rated highly) that won't break the bank, and slather it on.  It won't hurt you, and if you are losing less than 100 lbs it may be enough.  Otherwise, save your pennies for a good, experienced plastic surgeon and vow to donate the skin that's removed to burn victims (yeah, you really can do that!).  And maybe by the time I lose all my extra weight they'll use my extra skin to create a new Olsen twin triplet. 

The skin after the thin...

Okay, it clearly has been far too long since I posted anything.  Let's get up to speed, shall we?

I've been insanely busy lately.  I know people always say that, but I really have.  It's amazing how much you can do when you can, you know, actually DO stuff.  So I went to Colorado Springs for a weekend for a post-bariatric seminar, I almost went to the local renaissance festival (temps of over 100 degrees scared me into seeing the next Twilight movie, which cooled me off but made me feel like an old pervy lady going to see tween boys without their shirts), I've been to several farmers markets, went antiquing, a gardening show, and even to the gym a couple of times (dude, I even tried Pilates, which I loved!).  Whew.  I'm exhausted just reading the list.

Here's the long and short of it, my 6-month check up is this Thursday, and I'm down about 125 lbs.  My triglicerides went down about 100 points but my cholesterol went up a bit (still in the normal range, but much higher than before), my hormones are all over the place (reference old pervy lady comment above), and because I get a period for 3 out of 4 weeks in the month I'm slightly anemic.  Otherwise, doing well--all things considered.

So, Miss TinaM wants to know the question of the hour--what about all the skin?  Actually, I get asked this more than any other question, so apparenlty inquiring minds want to know.

I have good, thick, German skin.  Pasty as all get-out, and every scar hangs out as a red mark for at least a year, but it heals good.  No keloids, no pitting, and FAST healing.  Oh, the skin cancer scares aside (and I've had a few--before I even turned 30), I got good skin.  So even though I've lost an Olson twin in less than 6 months, I have a lot less of the droopy, withered bits that almost everyone who has had successful weight loss surgery gets.  Yea me!

I do have some weirdness.  There is a slightly deflated-balloon appearance to my lower abdomen.  And some weird dangly bits that weren't there before.  But all told, it isn't too bad.  How do I know this?

At the aforementioned post-surgical seminar I went to in Colorado Springs there were several different lectures on post-op life, including a segment done by a plastic surgeon.  I learned several very important things:
1.  Ya gotta WARN people before you start flashing up enormous slides of naked people, whether or not they are post-op.  I looked at my brochure to catch the Dr.'s name, and when I looked up I got smacked in the eyeballs with ENORMOUS NEKKED BOOBS.  Not that there is anything wrong with enormous nekked boobs (in fact, I am a proud owner of a pair).  It's just that after a very tame discussion of converting recipes to weight-loss friendly foods I was not prepared.  I'm telling you, it's weird to have the black "censored" box over a FACE and not the boobular area or the naughty bits.  Honestly, a person should have a warning that this is about to occur so that said person does not almost spray the person in front of her with half-chewed protein bar.
2.  Ya also gotta WARN people that it is an actual plastic surgeon who will be discussing the horrifying details of what they do to people when they are passed out naked on the table.  Remember the Seinfeld episode with "The Assman", and how proctologists always have the best stories?  Yea, plastic surgeons are so freakkin' close.  As in, "You should have seen the size of the skin flap I took here.  It took three of us, pulling and stretching so tight (insert pantomine of wrasslin' and pullin') that we had to start the sutures with superglue."  Poor black-box-faced lady.  It's better she doesn't know.
3.  When standing in a room of post-ops from bariatric surgery, it's easy to spot the people who have had the skin removal/tummy tuck/neck lift/etc.  They are the only people in the room who look proportional.  Everyone else looks like a normal person from the waist up, and then a tire worn around the waist, and then normal legs.  You see, it's not just me--everybody's like that.  Until they get with a surgeon who evens them all out.

All things told, I'd like to have surgery on my midsection at some point.  Half the point of this whole process is to be "normal" and proportional--I'd hate to lose nearly 200 lbs (my ultimate goal) and still look like I'm smuggling waist-level bags of whatever people are smuggling these days.  But I'm only 6 months out and hoping to lose another 60+ lbs before I can even go there.  So I can say, loudly and proudly, that my shar-pei belly is here, it's weird, get used to it.  For now, anyway.  We'll see where the poochy goes in a year or so...