Well, it's a blah day. In fact, it's been a blah week. Guess what overweight people do when they feel blah? Yeah. And I've really been struggling. My surgery has not ended up as restrictive as I'd hoped for. I knew before surgery that I needed a really tight leash to rein myself in. If I didn't, I wouldn't have needed the surgery. Frankly, if I could throw on a choke collar right now I would.
Don't get me wrong, I am restricted, but it isn't enough. I can eat around it (in that I don't dump, and I don't throw up), and I don't want to do that. About 80-85% percent of the time I follow the rules and do what I'm supposed to, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am now, 155 pounds lighter. But 15-20% I take the leeway, and it goes from being "wiggle room" (which my doctor says should be 5-10%) to a big problem.
So I need to ask myself some questions:
1. What's bothering me? Why am I turning to the food?
2. Why am I sabotaging my own success? Am I content with where I am now? Am I afraid to get smaller?
3. Is this a clinical depression, or am I just struggling like normal people do? (Full disclosure: I stopped taking anti-depressants after surgery with my doctor's approval. I do not play when it comes to this stuff.)
4. Is it hormonal? If so, should I change my birth control to see if it helps or should I just be prepared for this every 4 weeks?
5. Is it that I haven't been working out as much? I know that working out really does improve my mood, so if that's the issue I just need to refocus my time and energy.
If you have half a brain (and I know you do), you probably came to the same conclusion I did after reading this. I need to journal EVERYTHING--food, mood, and exercise--so I can get to the bottom of what is going on.
Have I mentioned here before how much I hate that? If not, let me explain. I hate it with a purple passion. I hate it like "Sarah Palin in 2012." I hate it like being stuck in a cave with canned green beans as my only option for survival. I hate it like I hate having to tell 300+ people that they no longer have a job...you probably get the picture.
Unfortunately, I think it's really my only option if I'm going to figure this out and be successful in the long run. It's time to put on my big girl panties and get my journal on. Please feel free to send me any hints, tips, or suggestions on how do make this less painful...