Head and body--reaching a detente?

One of the things I hear over and over is that weight loss surgery is on your body--not your head, and if you don't take care of the issues that made you overweight in the first place you will not be successful in the long term.  So I'm really trying to examine what it is that drove me to overeat.

The answer very frequently comes down to avoiding negative feelings. 

I was diagnosed as Bipolar type 2 in 2001 (yes, it's different than regular Bipolar or Manic Depression as it is mostly on the depressive side, with an occasional side of hyper and, for me, anxiety).  I consider myself lucky, as it is pretty mild--to the point that only my very closest friends knew that I had issues.  I was REALLY good at hiding it at work and to casual friends.  I developed a whole set of coping skills that consisted of me hiding whatever emotional state I was in.

Turns out, that's not a great idea.  1.  It means you are a lot harder to diagnose, and less likely to get the problem addressed.  2.  It means that your state of life requires hiding who you really are, and how you really feel, which becomes a huge hit to your self-esteem.  3.  It means that you have to find a way to cope with the dichotomy.  For me, it was food.  I regulated my emotions with lots of carbs (found out later that carbs boost serotonin as well as your fat cells), with sugar, and with fat.  All of those things, in mass quantities (which I also hid from the world, for a long time anyway), are really effective in blocking out your feelings.  Temporarily.  But they tend to rear their ugly heads eventually--in the form of 350 pounds.

I knew that after surgery I would have a lot of emotional work to do, and that I would have a hard time letting go of the food.  There have been times that I had a whole meal of just bread.  There have been times that I overate to the point that I thought I would die from the pain.  To me, these are the limits that I knew I would have to test, and that I need to learn from--quickly. 

And for the most part, I have.  I get a "cheat meal" each week, and then I go back to high protein, low carb and lower fat foods the rest of the time.   That means that when I get into emotional trouble now, I don't have my default coping mechanism of stuffing my feelings down by stuffing down food.  Angry, sad, lonely happens to everyone, but it feels to me like I get them stronger.  Not only because I have a tendency to intense feelings, but because when you don't express them they build up and get out of control.

The funny thing is that I've figured out that the best way to express and work out these negative feelings is body-based.  I always thought that the depression, bad feelings, and loneliness were thoughts and feelings in my head and the only way to get them out was to use my head (agonizing about everything) or my belly (filling it up until I was numbed by the serotonin).  I try to do pilates, meditation, and body movement to get rid of and deal with stress better.  I make myself "play dates" to keep from being too lonely.  I take deep breaths whenever I can.  I take a bubble bath, or clean out my closet of clothes that don't fit. 

All of them lean to the physical realm.  And I'm finding that  a lot of these things can help regulate those uncomfortable feelings.  I'll admit that it's not as easy and fast as pizza, and that there are times I forget, and that it's really hard.  I'm hoping to eventually come to a truce between my head, my heart and my body.  Right now, they are all in talks (see how political I am?).  There are occasional outbursts, but it doesn't seem to be a full-out war anymore--it's more of a Switzerland-type state of neutrality.

Honestly I don't think that I will ever win the war, but if a detente is enough to bring the Cold War up to a comfortable room-temperature, I'll take it.



So it seems like there

Disappointment in myself

WARNING:  This post is not as HI-larious as most of them.  Sorry about that for those of you reading for my humor--I'll try again later today or tomorrow.

I'm just having a down sort of day, mostly because I'm mad at myself.  Since having my weightloss surgery, I've been a very brave soldier.  I've had 2 operations, 3 ER visits, a couple of "procedures," and major dental work.  I've started working out diligently--I bought a bathing suit and go swimming, I can stay on the elliptical for almost 20 minutes (after a 10 minute warmup), I lift weights, and I'm doing one-on-one pilates.  I never thought I would do any of those things, and should be proud of myself for doing them.

Instead, I've been focusing lately on what I can't do.  I have lost about 130 lbs., yet I still can't shop in a "normal" size clothing store.  I still can't go too much farther than 30 minutes of cardio.  I feel as though I still am trying to gain back the muscle I've lost.  I have a hard time with eating at night, and I don't always get in enough protein.

And this morning, I was supposed to go to a new bellydancing class I got at a great deal from Groupon.  I chickened out and didn't go.  I'm not sure why, but I just couldn't.  I know that this is super-stupid, and that it isn't a big deal to go and shake my still-big belly that has 10 (or 12--I've lost count) little stabby scars (I'm still going to tell people I got into a knife fight).  I know that belly dancers, real ones, have bellies, and they don't care, and they still look beautiful even with rolls and pudge.  But I somehow can't get myself into that picture.  And I'm really mad at myself for letting my fear and body-shame stop me from something that could have been so much fun.

That's what I used to do.  I let my self-consciousness stop me from doing wonderful, fun and adventurous things.  I told myself that after surgery I wasn't going to let fear or self-consciousness stop me from doing new things--things I might (or might not) like.  But here I am, sitting at my computer instead of shaking my stuff.  Right now, I totally suck.

I did make myself go put on my (adorable) swimsuit, and promised myself that I would not take it off until I'd gone to the gym and done some swimming.  Oh, and then get back into the ladies locker room before taking it off--they frown upon skinny dipping at public pools.  I gave myself a deadline of going by noon, so I'm signing off and heading out (it's 12:05, so I'm pushing it).

What do you do when the only person you can be mad at is yourself?

Suburban-fabulous

Yes, things are better today.  I don't have a chance in hell of ever being ghetto-fabulous (I don't even know if that's still a desireable sort of thing), so I am feeling suburban fabulous today.  Even with my rapidly thinning hair.  SERIOUSLY.  It's like long, brown (although I'm a blonde at heart) strands of cotton-candy compared to my lustrous thick locks of yore (pre-surgery). 

I mentioned this to a nurse and my employee who overheard me asked if she was going to lose her hair now that she was on a diet.  I explained that it is a natural body reaction to losing so much so quickly, and then she tells me, "Me too!  I can lose 3 pounds overnight!"  (At this point, I was extremely tempted to ask her if that was because she pooped, just to see the reaction.  Luckily, my HR training kicked-in just in time to shut down that little comment).  I did tell her that 3 pounds overnight, while impressive (even if it was just *POOP*) is not comparable to losing 90 lbs in 90 days.  Then she told me that she had lost 100 lbs before, and if she does that again and loses her hair she will just DIE.  Again the HR training jumped in to keep me from saying, "Really?  You are gonna die from hair loss?"  But I am putting a note in her file.  "Argumentative to the point of begging to be slapped."

Uh oh.  The Anger Genie from yesterday just escaped from the bottle.  And I was doing so well, too.  C'est la vie.  (That's what all the fabulous people are saying).