So last weekend I went to a seminar held by a certified Bariatric Life Coach (I'm going to ask her permission to put her info on the blog this week). I asked my parents for a two-year surgiversary gift of the cost of the weekend, and I found out that I could bring a friend for free, so I took along my friend HFP (visit her blog by clicking here). Awesome choice, because she is so much fun and I knew she would really be into it.
One of the things we did was to set goals. I am not a goal setter. I hate them, I find them confining, and I am not a fan of any kind of real structure. Which basically means I probably need to have them more than the average person. But the thinking is that if you don't REALLY know what you want, how are you ever going to get it? I've always been afraid of thinking or saying what I want because I have a pathological fear of not getting it. I know what I'm supposed to want, and I know what I should want, but what do I really want?
I realized through the course of the day that there are about 4 categories of things I want (I'll get to them all eventually). The one that is the hardest to say out loud is that I want to let someone in to my life, to fall in love, to get married, to build a family. I hate saying that, because I never want to be one of "those" girls who needs someone to be complete. You know, the girls whose eyes glaze over at the thought of an engagement ring, the girls who don't know how to be alone, the girls who love valentine's day and who have cute names like "Shmoopey" for the person they date. I like to call them The Children of the Corny.
My God, I think I might be one of them.
I also am realizing it's not just a life partner I'm looking for. I want a big circle of friends again (many of my besties have moved away). I want parties where people actually come over and I can Entertain with a capital E. I want people I can call up to go do things with. I want to actually live life--travel, try new things, etc.--and I don't want to always do it alone.
Here's the problem. I've self-isolated for so long that I'm having a hard time stopping. I watched my friend HFP making friends with everyone at the event. She knew all of their names, she connected with them as people, and she related to them. And I felt stuck inside myself the whole time. I didn't reach out; I didn't make friends; I didn't connect.
What happened? I used to be the person who made instant friends wherever I went. Heck, the only time in my life I ever got sent to the Principle's office was in either kindergarten or 1st grade, and it was for trying to kiss boys on the playground and make them my boyfriend. So I know it's in there somewhere. But I have a lot to chip away at before I can let myself be vulnerable enough to let someone in.
I guess I now know one thing I want. I just don't know how to get there.
Showing posts with label sheilding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sheilding. Show all posts
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Thursday, August 26, 2010
It's been a hard days' week...
...and I've been working like a dog. This week, I've just gotten tugged in every possible direction. I've been bullied by management, threatened (with lawsuits) by employees, and led around the office by our CEO like--well, like a dog. I knew it would be a rough week because I'm in a symposium on Thursday and Friday, so there ends up being extra stress to get everything done by Wednesday.
It got to the point yesterday that people were asking me "What's wrong?" Which only happens when I'm extremely ill and don't have the strength to keep up the "HR Professional Mask," or when I forget to put on mascara (seriously, I look like I'm suffering from H1N1 when I don't have eyelashes). My boss even came into my office and told me to take a day off...soon. So yeah, the cracks in my armor must have been pretty visible.
And you know what I realized? I haven't done anything active since Sunday. No walks around the block, no stretching exercises, no yoga or pilates, no swimming, no weights, no nothing. You could have knocked me over with a feather, I was so shocked when I realized this. The woman who refused to sweat (unless you count sweating while trying to open a stuck jar of pasta sauce), NEEDS to work out in order to feel right. Who knew?
Well, I guess I sorta knew. I mean I knew about all the studies on how exercise boosts your mood and that the effects can last over a day. I know that I'm mildly ADD and need variety. I know that anxiety can be burned off, along with some calories, by a brisk 10-minute walk. And yet, before I lost the weight I couldn't take advantage of this.
You see, there is an idea out there that fat people are lazy, and if they just got off the couch they could turn into Ironman. I don't believe being lazy makes you fat--I've met far too many skinny people who won't lift a finger if they don't have to. I DO believe that being fat can make you lazy. I am a hard worker, I'm dedicated and stubborn as all heck, yet I got truly lazy because moving around just didn't feel good. I was in near-constant pain when I walked--to the point of wanting to just give up and lie down. I hated feeling my thighs rub together, and my jiggly spots jiggle. So I avoided it like the plague, and I'm sure people around me assumed that I was lazy.
Now I'm finding that I can actually move, and that it's fun. And that when I don't make time to work out, I really miss it both physically and emotionally. Don't get me wrong--running around the block isn't going to make my CEO less of a bully, or keep the employee I secretly refer to as "The Emotional Titanic" from cornering me in my office to tell me of her most recent crisises (or crises?). It just helps me burn off the stress, anxiety, and tension that result of these things so that I can start the next day fresh. Then, I can see my CEO as a powerful, decisive woman (which she is), and I can see the Titanic employee as a very troubled lady who just needed a sympathetic ear (which she also is).
So after my symposium ended this afternoon, I made a stop at the gym. I saw a friend there, and watched a bit of the Turbo Kick Boxing she's been telling me about (I'm a little scared to try it just yet). Then I did a warm-up on a recumbent bike (7 minutes) and 12 minutes on the elliptical (a new record for me!) doing intervals. Then I did weights for my shoulders, my back, my pecs, my biceps, and my triceps. I know it probably sounds wimpy to those of you who work out a lot, but remember that I've had 2 major surgeries in the last 7 months and I'm still 225 lbs, which is just barely out of the morbidly obese column for my BMI. (Woo hoo! I've lost about 130 lbs and now I'm just the regular kind of obese!). So I've got a long way to go before Ironman. But this evening I feel better--less stressed, and less driving to eat unconsciously. So this is definitely a new, positive discovery for me.
Basically, the moral of the story is that if you work like a dog, you should run and play like one too. Or you just might end up "barking" mad. (sorry about the pun...feel free to punish me in the comment section).
It got to the point yesterday that people were asking me "What's wrong?" Which only happens when I'm extremely ill and don't have the strength to keep up the "HR Professional Mask," or when I forget to put on mascara (seriously, I look like I'm suffering from H1N1 when I don't have eyelashes). My boss even came into my office and told me to take a day off...soon. So yeah, the cracks in my armor must have been pretty visible.
And you know what I realized? I haven't done anything active since Sunday. No walks around the block, no stretching exercises, no yoga or pilates, no swimming, no weights, no nothing. You could have knocked me over with a feather, I was so shocked when I realized this. The woman who refused to sweat (unless you count sweating while trying to open a stuck jar of pasta sauce), NEEDS to work out in order to feel right. Who knew?
Well, I guess I sorta knew. I mean I knew about all the studies on how exercise boosts your mood and that the effects can last over a day. I know that I'm mildly ADD and need variety. I know that anxiety can be burned off, along with some calories, by a brisk 10-minute walk. And yet, before I lost the weight I couldn't take advantage of this.
You see, there is an idea out there that fat people are lazy, and if they just got off the couch they could turn into Ironman. I don't believe being lazy makes you fat--I've met far too many skinny people who won't lift a finger if they don't have to. I DO believe that being fat can make you lazy. I am a hard worker, I'm dedicated and stubborn as all heck, yet I got truly lazy because moving around just didn't feel good. I was in near-constant pain when I walked--to the point of wanting to just give up and lie down. I hated feeling my thighs rub together, and my jiggly spots jiggle. So I avoided it like the plague, and I'm sure people around me assumed that I was lazy.
Now I'm finding that I can actually move, and that it's fun. And that when I don't make time to work out, I really miss it both physically and emotionally. Don't get me wrong--running around the block isn't going to make my CEO less of a bully, or keep the employee I secretly refer to as "The Emotional Titanic" from cornering me in my office to tell me of her most recent crisises (or crises?). It just helps me burn off the stress, anxiety, and tension that result of these things so that I can start the next day fresh. Then, I can see my CEO as a powerful, decisive woman (which she is), and I can see the Titanic employee as a very troubled lady who just needed a sympathetic ear (which she also is).
So after my symposium ended this afternoon, I made a stop at the gym. I saw a friend there, and watched a bit of the Turbo Kick Boxing she's been telling me about (I'm a little scared to try it just yet). Then I did a warm-up on a recumbent bike (7 minutes) and 12 minutes on the elliptical (a new record for me!) doing intervals. Then I did weights for my shoulders, my back, my pecs, my biceps, and my triceps. I know it probably sounds wimpy to those of you who work out a lot, but remember that I've had 2 major surgeries in the last 7 months and I'm still 225 lbs, which is just barely out of the morbidly obese column for my BMI. (Woo hoo! I've lost about 130 lbs and now I'm just the regular kind of obese!). So I've got a long way to go before Ironman. But this evening I feel better--less stressed, and less driving to eat unconsciously. So this is definitely a new, positive discovery for me.
Basically, the moral of the story is that if you work like a dog, you should run and play like one too. Or you just might end up "barking" mad. (sorry about the pun...feel free to punish me in the comment section).
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
Yes, say it three times fast and make it your mantra.
I did not become a people pleaser without having issues with boundaries. I did not become morbidly obese without having issues with boundaries. Yet I took a job in Human Resources that absolutely requires establishing and maintaining them. Hmmmm...
You see, I learned how to separate my job and my life because I had to. I was a "people person," which is resume-speak for, "I'm really sweet--please hire me." I was the party planner, the funny one, the one who would never hurt someone's feelings. Then I got into HR because it's a great job for someone who loves people, right?
It's really not. You have to fire people, lay people off, tell people their breath smells, deny them benefits because they missed the deadline, etc. It's not a job for the tender-hearted. That's why, as you get higher and higher up in HR, people tend to be more and more bitchy and awful. They kind of have to be. Really sweet and lovely HR VPs and Directors are rare and lovely creatures that should be studied and have ballads written about them. (And thank God I work for one of them currently, which I can say without it being ass-kissing because she knows nothing about this site). Seriously, when was the last time you wanted to go to the HR Manager to chat, or go out to lunch, or swap recipes?
Suddenly, I realized I was in a field where you were almost guaranteed that you would not be liked. Those first years were a rude awakening for someone who was such a people-pleaser. The first time I had to fire someone I cried for 2 days before and 2 days after. It was horrid. And I realized that if I was going to continue in this field I would have to develop some boundaries. I've been mostly successful doing this when it comes to work. If I have to hold a difficult conversation, I coach myself, "Shields up, people!" *shink-shink* (think the sound of Wonder Woman's bracelets defecting bullets). But it is not a perfect system. It's difficult to make that shield permeable enough to allow yourself to be compassionate, but solid enough to do the job. It's something I will always have to work on.
What does all of that mean for those that struggle with their weight? Good boundaries are an absolute requirement to be successful at losing weight, and I have met very few people with serious weight problems that know when to draw the line. We're the ones who let people run all over us. We're the ones who don't tell people when they are inappropriate or mean. We're the ones that don't tell our partners, friends, or kids what we genuinely need. We feel too much, do too much, and generally tend to not stand up for ourselves when it is appropriate.
And for me personally? Why is it that after I started being Wonder Woman at work that I still have a weight problem? For me, I manage to sheild at work because otherwise I would be fired. My personal life still poses a major challenge for me. There are several areas of my life where I need to practice and perfect appropriate "shielding." 1. Relationships with men, and 2. Relationships with myself, and 3. Relationships with food. I think this is a good weekend to reflect on those (since my Emotional Eating class scheduled for today got cancelled). Lucky for you, that means some heavy duty posting.
So, next post, I'm going to tackle one of those 3 areas and give you some examples of where I've fallen down in the past and that I hope to change in the future. Stay tuned...
I did not become a people pleaser without having issues with boundaries. I did not become morbidly obese without having issues with boundaries. Yet I took a job in Human Resources that absolutely requires establishing and maintaining them. Hmmmm...
You see, I learned how to separate my job and my life because I had to. I was a "people person," which is resume-speak for, "I'm really sweet--please hire me." I was the party planner, the funny one, the one who would never hurt someone's feelings. Then I got into HR because it's a great job for someone who loves people, right?
It's really not. You have to fire people, lay people off, tell people their breath smells, deny them benefits because they missed the deadline, etc. It's not a job for the tender-hearted. That's why, as you get higher and higher up in HR, people tend to be more and more bitchy and awful. They kind of have to be. Really sweet and lovely HR VPs and Directors are rare and lovely creatures that should be studied and have ballads written about them. (And thank God I work for one of them currently, which I can say without it being ass-kissing because she knows nothing about this site). Seriously, when was the last time you wanted to go to the HR Manager to chat, or go out to lunch, or swap recipes?
Suddenly, I realized I was in a field where you were almost guaranteed that you would not be liked. Those first years were a rude awakening for someone who was such a people-pleaser. The first time I had to fire someone I cried for 2 days before and 2 days after. It was horrid. And I realized that if I was going to continue in this field I would have to develop some boundaries. I've been mostly successful doing this when it comes to work. If I have to hold a difficult conversation, I coach myself, "Shields up, people!" *shink-shink* (think the sound of Wonder Woman's bracelets defecting bullets). But it is not a perfect system. It's difficult to make that shield permeable enough to allow yourself to be compassionate, but solid enough to do the job. It's something I will always have to work on.
What does all of that mean for those that struggle with their weight? Good boundaries are an absolute requirement to be successful at losing weight, and I have met very few people with serious weight problems that know when to draw the line. We're the ones who let people run all over us. We're the ones who don't tell people when they are inappropriate or mean. We're the ones that don't tell our partners, friends, or kids what we genuinely need. We feel too much, do too much, and generally tend to not stand up for ourselves when it is appropriate.
And for me personally? Why is it that after I started being Wonder Woman at work that I still have a weight problem? For me, I manage to sheild at work because otherwise I would be fired. My personal life still poses a major challenge for me. There are several areas of my life where I need to practice and perfect appropriate "shielding." 1. Relationships with men, and 2. Relationships with myself, and 3. Relationships with food. I think this is a good weekend to reflect on those (since my Emotional Eating class scheduled for today got cancelled). Lucky for you, that means some heavy duty posting.
So, next post, I'm going to tackle one of those 3 areas and give you some examples of where I've fallen down in the past and that I hope to change in the future. Stay tuned...
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