So last weekend I went to a seminar held by a certified Bariatric Life Coach (I'm going to ask her permission to put her info on the blog this week). I asked my parents for a two-year surgiversary gift of the cost of the weekend, and I found out that I could bring a friend for free, so I took along my friend HFP (visit her blog by clicking here). Awesome choice, because she is so much fun and I knew she would really be into it.
One of the things we did was to set goals. I am not a goal setter. I hate them, I find them confining, and I am not a fan of any kind of real structure. Which basically means I probably need to have them more than the average person. But the thinking is that if you don't REALLY know what you want, how are you ever going to get it? I've always been afraid of thinking or saying what I want because I have a pathological fear of not getting it. I know what I'm supposed to want, and I know what I should want, but what do I really want?
I realized through the course of the day that there are about 4 categories of things I want (I'll get to them all eventually). The one that is the hardest to say out loud is that I want to let someone in to my life, to fall in love, to get married, to build a family. I hate saying that, because I never want to be one of "those" girls who needs someone to be complete. You know, the girls whose eyes glaze over at the thought of an engagement ring, the girls who don't know how to be alone, the girls who love valentine's day and who have cute names like "Shmoopey" for the person they date. I like to call them The Children of the Corny.
My God, I think I might be one of them.
I also am realizing it's not just a life partner I'm looking for. I want a big circle of friends again (many of my besties have moved away). I want parties where people actually come over and I can Entertain with a capital E. I want people I can call up to go do things with. I want to actually live life--travel, try new things, etc.--and I don't want to always do it alone.
Here's the problem. I've self-isolated for so long that I'm having a hard time stopping. I watched my friend HFP making friends with everyone at the event. She knew all of their names, she connected with them as people, and she related to them. And I felt stuck inside myself the whole time. I didn't reach out; I didn't make friends; I didn't connect.
What happened? I used to be the person who made instant friends wherever I went. Heck, the only time in my life I ever got sent to the Principle's office was in either kindergarten or 1st grade, and it was for trying to kiss boys on the playground and make them my boyfriend. So I know it's in there somewhere. But I have a lot to chip away at before I can let myself be vulnerable enough to let someone in.
I guess I now know one thing I want. I just don't know how to get there.