Only 4 or 5 stomach flu till I reach my goal weight...

Sigh.  I have a cold and am not feeling well at all.  There are two upsides:
1.  I have a dead-sexy voice when I get sick.  Like Kathleen Turner.
2.  I don't feel like eating.  Or drinking.  Or staying upright for longer than an hour at a time.  But I'm going to concentrate on the not feeling like eating.

I went to support group last night, before the onset of the cold symptoms (if any of my fellow group-ies get sick, please don't blame me as the Typhoid Mary).  I'm really glad I did.  I got to see a woman there who had her surgery about the same time I did, and is struggling with the same "bounce back" that I am.  I'm so glad it's not just me.  I hear all the time about post-ops who have no food struggles (or so they say) and I would like to kick them in the shins.  Not that I'm bitter.

I know that I should be proud of losing about 165 lbs., but the fact is that I still have about 15 pounds to go before I am out of the "obese" category on the BMI chart.  I'm starting to think that between the cravings for carbs, the thyroid imbalance, and the constant tiredness from the thyroid imbalance (i.e. lack of exercise), that I will not only never get there, but that I will actually gain weight from here.

Enter in the year's first illness!  Hooray!  A stuffy nose does wonders for cravings...

Well, crap.

So it's good news, bad news time again.

Good news, I went to my surgeon today for the one-year followup appointment, and I apparently am a weight loss rockstar.  I'm right on track, and he said I should aim for 10 more pounds in the next 3 months.  He was thrilled that I'm off my cPAP machine, that I don't have back pain, and that my triglicerides are down almost 200 points.  He also said I looked great, that he wanted me to be on his patient lecturer panel again, and then he gave me a hug.

Bad news?  His scale said that I was 201.something (I momentarily blacked out after reading 201).  Son of a preacher-man!  What the nut!  And other weird phrases I often use to substitute for actual cursing.

Yes, I know.  It's just a number.  But it's such a LARGE number (not really, this is the overly-dramatic face of the Babe), and I really wanted to be under 200.  Yes, with all my clothes on, having ate breakfast, drank 4 glasses of water, and having not pooped for two days.  Is that too much info?

Hey--fun tidbit!  I weighed myself last week first thing in the morning before I peed and then again after.  Know what?  I lost 1 whole pound just by peeing!  Is it too much info NOW?

So yeah, everything I said about numbers not mattering, and weight is really about how you feel and not the actual number?  All lies!  (again, this may be my overly-dramatic self taking over).

Sigh.  I think I need a 1-week break from weighing in, just to clear my head and remind myself that in the overall scheme of things, IT DOES NOT MATTER.  Anyone else with me on this?  Tell me in your comments...

P.S.  So's that I can end on good news, this does mean that my evil scale truly is evil, since it told me I was 202.something first thing this morning--before drinking, or having breakfast, or putting on my clothes.  My suspicions are confirmed!

The adorability continuum

When you're 200 lbs overweight, you just become resigned to the fact that no amount of lipstick, or cute shoes, or clothes will make you adorable.  In fact, I didn't realize how big I had gotten (until I saw the pictures) because I had just stopped looking at myself in the mirror completely.  I'm not really sure when that happened--maybe somewhere around 290 when I decided to stop going on airplanes--so it was very strange to me when I started to see myself again.

Now I find myself marveling at my face, which has become "3-D" again.  I like feeling that I have bones I didn't know I had (collarbones!  hip bones! ribs!).  I take more time putting on my clothes and matching my jewelry to them.  In fact, my morning routine is ridiculously long now (complicated by the fact that I'm a slow riser anyway, and that it takes me a while to drink and eat enough to restart my engine) because I put on makeup every day--not just a swipe of sheer lipstick I can do without a mirror and a little mascara.  I use EYELINER, which I had forgotten how much I love love love, despite requiring more time and patience than I actually have.

But here's the thing that I have come to call "The Adorability Continuum."  When you lose a lot (but not all) of your excess weight, your self-image swings wildly back and forth.  At one end is the side where you compare your new self to your old self (we shall call it the A side--A for Adorable), and on the other side is where you compare your current self to your ideal self (we shall call it the side that-shall-not-be-named, or the SNBN side).  Depending on which side of the continuum I wake up on, my day can be very different.  Let me break it down for you with examples. 

When I swing to the A side, I am so freakin' cute I can hardly stand myself.  I got talked into going to Old Navy by Goldilocks (even though I told her that nothing there would fit me), and I found a coat that actually fit!  My first purchase at a non-Omar-the-Tent-Maker store!  It's got a retro 60's vibe, fits very close to the body (in fact, I can't wear it over anything bulky still) and makes me look thin, energetic, fashionable, and (dare I say it) younger.  This weekend, I got an adorable little winter cap to match, and let me tell you that I am super-cute in my new winter wear (I can't wait to go to some tree lighting ceremony outside to wear it).  Even if it WAS the largest size that Old Navy had, I fit into clothes from a non-fat-lady store, and I look great.

Then there is the SNBN side.  The side that only sees that I still have a double-chin and a really big stomach.  The side that wonders if I'll ever get out of "plus sized" clothes, and points out that I'm still really a woman's 1X, and not a regular-size XL (yes, they are different).  The side that knows that men still don't see me, and that to society I'm still just fat.  The side that looks up the BMI chart to see if I'm still "obese" (I am, by the way).  The side that knows that shopping for pants is still a horrible ordeal because not only am I still too big (all of my weight sits at my belly area), and now I have the additional loveliness of extra skin droopage, with a perpetual camel toe as a result.

So the pendulum swings back and forth, and I wonder sometimes if I can just slow it down.  Objectively I know that I have achieved a lot so far with this, but objectively I also know that I still have so far to go.  Today, I find that struggle exhausting, and I wonder if I will ever be able to settle in to my body, without being overly critical or totally self-centered, and just call it home.

Gastric Bypass Babe...

I'm still mad at myself, but I did get out and go for a wonderful swim at the gym (and I'm hoping that I'll be let in at the next set of bellydance classes, because I think it would be good for me to try it).  Afterwards I skipped out on my boring chores (laying on a 2nd coat of spring green paint in my guest bathroom, grocery shopping, a Target run for sundries) and decided I would use the Layne Bryant coupon I got in the mail and get some new undies (mine are sad and baggy in the butt, so it's well-past time).

Wow.  I bought some nice new undies (5 for $26), and a few new bras (buy one, get one 50% off).  That was all I was going to get, I swear.  But then I saw it, taunting me from the "new arrival" rack.  Floating delicately.  A gorgeous dress.  That I had no reason to try on or buy.  So, of course, I did.  I got a size 24 since that was the size of the pair of jeans that fit last.

And the dress looked horrible.  I couldn't figure out why it looked so bad...it had a lot of promise on the rack.  Great great tweed-looking fabric, with just enough texture to make it OK for fall and just enough shine to make it appropriate for now.  Sort of a shirt dress, with a little tie belt, and a fuller (but not too full) skirt that hits me right at the skinny part of my legs (always a good thing).  Basically, the perfect dress for my body type.  Somehow, it was all wrong when I actually put it on.

Cue salesperson.  "That looks a little big on you, would you like to try another size?"

Big?  On me?  "Uh, sure.  But this one is a 24, which is the size of the jeans I got here last month."

Salesperson, "Uh huh.  It's too big.  Let me get you a 20."  Which is code for, "I'm going to guess your size and get whatever I think you should have that will give me a good commission."  Little did she know I was packing a righteous coupon. 

So she did, and I tried it on, and it actually fit.  The last time I fit into a size 20 was in college, when I was about 35 lbs lighter than I am now!  I look smashing, if I do say so myself.    I would have kissed the salesperson if I wasn't worried that she might call in security.  I'm so used to clothes that don't fit right that it didn't even occur to me to try another size.

So, in case you lost count, today's score is:

Fear, Ego, and Self-Pity:  1 for the self-defeating thoughts that kept me from my belly-dancing class, 1 penalty for going off-sides of a new experience, for a total of 1 point and a foul.
Bariatric Babe:  1 for going to the gym even after I was fouled on by my own negativity, and 1 for fitting into a new size, for a total of 2 points.
And the Babe wins today's game by a dress size!

All things considered, not such a bad day after all.

Less drama, more weightloss

So I get a call today from my good friend D., and she's panicking at me.  Apparently she read last night's post.  "What is the 'something worse' and are you OK?"  And then she follows that statement with, "...or were you just being overly dramatic."  Which makes it sound like she is cynical, but truly she is just a whole lot more realistic and down-to-earth than I am.  I proceeded to remind her that although I am a drama queen and frequently over-react, I am always right about the important things.  Like lipgloss.

So I am sorry for worrying everyone (thank you all for your very sweet comments).  I did actually consult a health care professional this afternoon, and we've narrowed it down to a possible re-hernia and an internal infection.  I swore to her that I would call my surgeon again first thing tomorrow. Which is the sensible thing to do.  Right after the 500 things I have to do tomorrow (uh, I think that type of comment is the "overly dramatic" language D. was referring to).

So I am officially being calm about this and not over-reacting.  But I did verbally update my will with The Mom this evening, telling her to give all my makeup to D. if anything should happen.  Not that I'm over-reacting, though.  D. really needs some new makeup...she's broken all her compacts with her crushing Godzilla-like hands, bless her.

Enough with the drama...on to the weightloss.  Between yesterday and today, I've had about 6 people comment on how "skinny" I'm getting.  It kind of shocks me because I am FAR from skinny.  But it's nice to hear that people are noticing, because I still don't really see it.  I know that I've lost a lot because I can sit on the floor, drive without my belly hitting the steering wheel, go up the stairs without resting halfway through, and wear some clothes I haven't fit into in years.  But I still don't really see it.  I wonder if losing weight this quickly is a little like having a fun-house mirror--you can't be sure of what it is you are looking at.

So here's to reality, courtesy of D.  A more realistic look at some potential health issues, and a more realistic look at what I've accomplished. 

The belly-butt conundrum

I know you were all (all 9 of you) dying to hear more about my plan for physical fitness, however I have been sidelined. Not long after my last post, in fact. Exercise has been temporarily shoved aside by the strange and wonderful "belly-butt."

You see, along with the gastric bypass, I had a hernia operation for a tear near my belly button (two surgeries in one!). When I came to, I felt like crap, but had a new scrambled gut and a new belly button. Of which The Mom took one look and said, "Oh, cute! It looks like a little butt." Had it not been for the drugs, she might have lost an eye for saying that, but the name "belly butt" for my belly button has stuck. Avert your eyes if you have a weak stomach...

As you can see, the tissue does have cheeks, and is rather butt-like, but still.  From your mother?  Anyhoo, the Belly Butt has been acting up. More than just the gurgully wergullys. As in doubled over in pain last night after my 1/2 cutie orange and 10 almonds.

So today I called the surgeon and I may be going for an MRI to see if it is scar tissue, or just general ornery-ness.   It's possible that there was just too much fiber for the BB (Belly Butt), or it could be much, much worse.  Wish me luck, because I only have 2 Oxycodones left and I'm saving them up for a real emergency.  I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but when it does break through I'm down for the count.  And liquid Tylenol, frankly, does nothing for me.

Perhaps the Belly Butt is as desperate as I am to avoid serious exercise right now...

This is real work!

My god.  I can barely afford to be working full-time, because this surgery is a lot of work.  To all those people that think surgery is "The easy way out", think again.  There is no easy way.

Lately (well, yesterday and today), I've been really angry about that.  I've lost around 65lbs in 7 weeks.  But, I've been through a major surgery (with complications), 3 minor procedures requiring anesthesia, gone to the emergency room for dehydration, put on supplemental oxygen because I wasn't breathing well, and had to completely change my habits and lifestyle.  I've also lost a month and a half of income and more medical bills than I can think about without giving myself the vapors.  And I'm just starting the hard part.  NOTE:  while I am normally a very positive person, I need to vent.  So here is the whine of the time:

1.  Getting enough water.  It's a bitch, frankly.  I can take about two mouthfuls of any liquid at a time (that's about 1-2 ounces...I measured it).  And I'm required about 64 oz of water a day.  This means that if I go to a meeting at work without taking water, I will not meet my minimum of water.  If I grocery shop for too long without a bottle of water, I will not meet my minimum.  If I nap for too long, if I forget to pay attention, if I get stuck in traffic...whatever.  And now that I'm eating solid food, I can't have any liquids for 45 minutes after eating.  AND I'm supposed to eat 5-6 times per day.  It's exhausting to remember to drink--how ridiculous is that?  And yet not drinking enough is one of the surest ways to end up feeling like crap, to the point that I had to visit the ER for an IV to get rehydrated.

2.  Eating enough protein.  I should have a minimum of 65 grams of protein a day.  To give you an idea, 3 whole eggs give you about 21 grams of protein.  I, however, can eat 1/2 an egg at a time.  That's about 3-4 grams.  This is why I have to eat at least 5-6 times a day.  And even though I'm not supposed to have any kind of liquid calories, I have to supplement with a protein shake or two just to get enough in.  But as much of a pain as this is (preparing food, remembering to pack a lunch, remembering to eat, etc.), without enough protein I feel like hell.  Oh, and you'll lose your hair (which has already started).

3.  Exercise.  Just because you can't eat much doesn't mean you don't have to exercise.  Without it, your metabolism will slow to the rate of a quadriplegic land turtle.  And I have had a major tendinitis flareup in my foot that keeps me in pain when I walk (and walking is the recommended exercise until about 8 weeks).  I wish I could do more, because it is such a pleasure now to be able to walk, move, or shop (the important one) without having to sit down every 200 feet from pain and breathlessness.

4.  Old habits die hard.  Eating out of boredom, eating out with friends to celebrate, eating whatever you want, eating fast, eating without paying attention to every bite--those are really hard habits to break.  I didn't realize the extent to which food ruled my life.  I mean, I know I've been fat, so obviously I've had problems with food.  But I had no idea how deep it went.

5.  Getting good nutrition.  I take 2 multivitamins each day.  And an iron tablet.  And a b-complex.  And a b-12.  And I have to start on fiber supplements.  And 3-4 calcium supplements a day.  And biotin (for the hair loss).  And omega-3.  And glucosomine/chondroitin.  And maybe even a probiotic.  That's all on top of the thyroid medication, the anti-depressant, and the mood stabilizer (not to worry, I was on those before the surgery).  I have a hard time keeping it all straight.  And I can't take anything larger than a pencil eraser.  So I had to change my current medications, get chewable or liquid versions of everything.  And some of them taste terrible.*  Imagine getting a headache away from home--where am I supposed to get some liquid Tylenol (I can't take ibuprofin anymore) without going to a drug store?

So yea.  Today I'm really whiny.  And a big complainer.  And I know, all things considered, that I'm extremely blessed.  And lucky.  And loved.  And all that crap.  But today, I am pissy, crabby, ungrateful, and mopey.  And, unlike before, I'm actually sharing it with people (you lucky folks!).  I used to PollyAnna-ize everything so that no one knew what a horrid person I could be sometimes.  Even at my most depressed, no one (except maybe 1 or 2 people) knew about it.  I got really good at hiding things.  And it's taken a long time for me to be able to talk about the mad, stubborn, crabby, and sad parts of me.  I like to think it means I'm growing as a person.

So tomorrow will be a new day.  Hopefully, I will feel good.  I know that planning meals, drinking, taking my vitamins, and walking a little more every day will help.  So before I go to bed (no later than 11:30, because lack of sleep makes everything worse), I will pack my lunch and remind myself that I'm doing all the extra work because I'm worth it.  Even the whiny me.

*Just found out from one of my favorite bloggers, Eggface, that there is actually a palatable B-12 spray made by Building Blocks Bariatric Vitamin company.  If you want to enter to win a free, one, follow this link to enter the contest she is holding.  Just tell her I sent you.  :-)